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It’s as easy to disappear as it is to reappear. Time has not gone faster and yet, I find it passing me by like clouds on a windy afternoon.
Lately I’ve found that my dreams seem to be telling me something. They’re more waking dreams than nightmares. I dream about the everyday, the yesterday and sometimes, the week after. Weird, yes. Out of the ordinary? Not quite so.
I find no reason to blame the classes for it. They have been inspiring, if not somewhat rejuvenating for my experience. Like a giggly schoolgirl all over again, I’m glad that I actually feel excited the night before every session.
I like it that it’s early.
I like it that I’ve almost never woken up this early before on a Sunday.
I like it that I’m getting acquainted with the little China Town that’s just 15km away.
I like the people in the class because I have yet to know anything about them – curiosity is a strong addiction.
I like it that I’m getting a second chance in life, to rethink my world, to renew my courage with my conscience.
The struggle before had not been easy but I must say now that I was just too worried for my own good.
Perhaps I was born to be one, but it doesn’t mean that I share all of their views.
I am one, but I am also many, as was mentioned.
I seem to relate better to the things I never gave another hoot about, and that completes me a little bit more.
Of course, I’ve still been feeling jaded and whiny and all cranky for days on end. But it sure a relief to know that I am never alone, and that there are people out there who don’t know everything too.
It’s not a crime to skip a few papers in a month.
It’s not wrong to rename an Oscar-winning Hollywood actor.
It’s okay to read comics and all kinds of no-brainer periodicals, because that’s where you grow the most in.
It’s not easy, learning to let go. To shut that haunting tune out. And to leave memories as just memories.
We all want to fall in love, have a great job, hopefully a good Boss, a fat salary, a loving husband, wonderful kids and now and then, reasonable new set of parents. Even if we only strike it rich with one, isn’t that fair all the same?
To be thankful takes up a lot of strength on our pride. At the end of the day, we complain more than we compliment the world for the good job it has done to set us free.
I’ve always thought that we only have one life to do it right. But the actual fact is, we’re livelier than the 9 lives of a kitty.
Everyday a small part of us dies. And yet, there’s enough will in us to cover this hole, this void and push us forward to another Tuesday, or Thursday or a public holiday that falls on a Saturday.
Tell me, where did all the youth go? Where is fun hiding now? Why do we leave it behind on a rollercoaster ride or a cotton candy stick? Why can’t we keep it in our pockets or sleeves and whip it out when we need a whiff of reality?
Hard to grasp, but something painfully true – we’re born to be ungrateful.
Or call us ’sinners with a cause’, if you like.
Why am I so angry all the time?
Perhaps, you’re expecting a little more from what life has to offer.
I mean, I only have myself to take care of and I do the best that I can. But sometimes, I have to clear up the mess that others leave behind. Totally unfair!
As cliched as it is, life is unfair. Life is unpredictable when you expect it to be so. Many have talked about curve balls being thrown out of the blue, and it’s true. The world doesn’t revolve only around you, and that’s what you have to remember sometimes.
I guess I just don’t see why others can live comfortably even by being selfish, lazy and inconsiderate. That their children can be like them too, and still not suffer from any direct consequences.
I’m sure you must’ve heard about how the concerns of a rich man are quite similar to that of a poor one? Both will have money worries. One will worry about losing his money. The other will worry about how he’s gonna get more money to survive. Everyone suffers in their own way. Some problems may be external while others lie within.
So you are saying that, eventhough they live a simple life of wanting a 9 to 5 job or act like they are 10 years younger from their actual age, it doesn’t mean their lives are perfect in other aspects? That in their own eyes they too see and recognize their flaws, but only in private?
Yes. Some may not be very good at fixing flaws while others may be in denial. But it doesn’t mean that they do not spend at least one minute of everyday worrying about how they’re gonna make it through another day by being who they’ve always known themselves to be. They may get a sudden flash of inspiration to change, some may get many opportunities to truly change, but how many will take on the challenge, the hard work, the unknown road? They can put on a cheeky face and you can call them a Smart Alec, or they can be sarcastic and you call them condescending, but we do not have the right to say that they lead better lives than us although they are imperfect.
Right. So I am cynical because I choose to see only the dark of every side. It’s hard when all the beauty of the world seems to be buried somewhere far away and deserted.
Of course, nobody is asking you to wear your rose-tinted glasses all the time. Just know where and when to put them on. Perhaps you could try to look away in the face of evil instead of confronting it. We all need masks to protect ourselves. Give more at times but don’t forget to hold back too.
When others don’t change but I do, to solve my inner turmoil, does that help me adapt better to the world?
In a way it certainly does. Leave others to live with themselves. If they are annoying, imagine how their wives or husband would feel, having to see them everyday. If someone doesn’t take their job seriously, put in extra effort in yours. But remember, it’s not to show them how to do it right, but rather, to show the voice within you that you prefer yourself this way. If you meet parents who do not bother to ensure that their children stay out of mischief, say nothing to the kids but something to your own in the future. Yes, to each his own. For every mistake the world makes, do something extra right for yourself and those you care about.
For every mistake the world makes, do something extra right for yourself and for those you care about. Indeed.
Simplicity. If only we could nurture its existence. Too often, we complicate words, actions, smiles, signals, and thoughts.
In the future, I believe that there will be less words spoken. We’ll all be too tired to fight back. To say what needs to be said.
Is this it is it is this it is it.
It’s easier said than done. To be cruel to be kind. Many a times I falter as I squeeze those alphabets back down my throat. The world is not my playground. Even if they need to hear the truth, no one wants to.
I am to be observant, if I wish to be a writer of any kind. Writers watch. Writers wait. They rarely write, because they spend too much time thinking. If only thoughts could write for themselves. I’d have a million published souls by now.
Mmm dey mmm da mmm daaeeeoo.
Mmm dey mmm da mmm daaeeeoo.
Imogen: Don’t make a sound shh listen Keep your head down We’re not safe yet Don’t make a sound and be good for me Coz I know they’re waiting somewhere out here.
Lay low. Be good. Be quiet, till the time comes. Here’s a toy, if you need it. My arms are here, if you want them. Everyone has a child in them. And I’ve found yours.
Someone once said, the day we’re born is the day we start dying. The pessimist in all of us will know that this is true. We are not who we choose to be. We are what we choose to be.
I am the maker of my own stories. There’s too much tragedy in this world. So much, that everyone wants a piece of it. Autobiographies from Paris Hilton to Xandria Ooi. Everyone has a life story to tell.
But who really lives?
How different is one life from another? A boy from a girl?
Love. I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks and broken dreams. But dreams, like stars, will turn to dust when they cross the walls to the other side. It would do you well, to keep you stars in a crate by the field. Store them behind the trees. Hide yours from view. One day, you may find the way to bring them back.
I wouldn’t trade anything for the classes that made me watch movies. I may wish that I’d studied something more practical, like say, medicine, but I’ll never forget what I learnt through those sessions. They made my impatient. They made me angry. Most important of all, they taught me sadness. Now, I can no longer look at another person without feeling their pain from within.
The movies. They’ve made me weird. They’ve made me a writer. They showed me the world, albeit only one side of it. But for a girl who’s never left home, isn’t that enough?
Am I more impatient than ever now, because writing has made me self-conscious of self-censoring myself, while I watch in vain when others never do? Can I blame the OCD when I feel like correcting ’strenght’ to ’strength’ and ‘congrates’ to ‘congrats’? Or when they say ‘headgearhog’ instead of ‘hedgehog’, or ‘ree-odd’ instead of ‘riot’?
Mmm dey mmm da mmm daaeeeoo.
Is this it is it is this it is it.
Religion. Am I open to what I learn, because I write? Because writing tells me to be impartial, to give every paragraph a voice? Religion, it is really a respect. And I cannot respect anyone to be objective, if they do not respect another religion and its views. People say, people do, just as long as I don’t. I will try to understand who you’re speaking to, and your intentions, but I will not try to make you me. Although I can’t help but feel annoyed that you can’t be more than what you are.
The stars are really not that far off in the sky. It is only because we choose to touch further than we really should, that we shoot past what is beautiful in all its glory.
Why do we say the things we do? Why do we choose to insult, when the very act of insulting is an oxymoronic concept in itself, because insults never really work when the insulted doesn’t care for a comeback?
Why do we find pleasure in causing pain? Is it our urge as humans to share, to make them angry because you’re angry too? Is this how we pass on the anger, is this how we expect it to disappear, by transferring the heat from one hand to another?
What has my world become, when I have to hide behind headphones? That’s what headphones are for. Like pop up ads that never seem to go away, annoying people need a reason not to bother you. It would be easy, if everyone had an ‘X’ button somewhere and that you could just click on those you wanted out of your life, and they could still go on living in some other people’s world.
Sometimes, I don’t feel like talking. Perhaps, I’ve already had a million conversations in my head before you have had your first real one. Even if it’s just 9am. Even if I’m the first person you see. You could be the 1 millionth and 1 conversation that I’ve had for the day. Even, if it’s just 9am.
I’m best left alone.
Because I write.
How do you explain death to a child?
For Cathy, who once said to Chris, “I wished mom had let us have a pet. Then we’d know what it’d be like if something died.”
Grandpa’s dead. Do you know what that means?
He’s gone to heaven.
Uh huh. He’s gone forever.
We won’t be able to see him again?
No. Grandpa’s not coming back.
He’s gone to another dimension?
Uh huh.
We can’t even say goodbye?
No…
A conversation that I never got the chance to be a part of. It plays in my mind like this but who knows what was said?
What made him cry? What made him not know, not see and still cry?
How do you miss someone whom you don’t really know?
I always wondered why he never ran up to see what was going on. Was he afraid? Perhaps it was just one of the rare occasions that he decided to listen to us.
Do children feel sad for others?
Each time he looks at my mom or plays with her, does he feel her burden, her loss? Does he know how to be sensitive?
When he turned around to pat me on the arm, or wipe a tear from my cheek, does he know why some cry more than others do?
I wonder sometimes, if he knows of the word ‘regret’. Of the many times he refused a pancake or a doughnut just so that he could prove a point.
The little prince of our hearts, who knows no better. He was barely 8, and we made him grow up so fast.
I’m sorry that I got tired of your wise cracks.
I’m sorry I never played with you that much.
I’m sorry I never shared the child in me with you.
I’m sorry that what would’ve been the best holiday, turned out to be the worst nightmare ever.
Perhaps, one day, we’ll meet again. Soon.
Torn into pieces. In parts. In shreds.
A true family gives and take. But why am I feeling like I’m the only one expected to give?
A new year, a new celebration. Sharing, means just that. Is it even right for you to forbid me from choosing? For weighing my options? Perhaps, when this Sunday comes, I’m left with none of my own.
It’s been so easy for him all these years. An occasional call or two. Money concerns. What money concerns?
And so, it has come to this. Cleaning up open spaces with the help of a cleaner in one day does not justify my months of lost weekends searching through junk that’s not even mine.
There’s something you’re not telling me. Breeding in your heart. Since the photograph, since the words you forgot to say, since the reactions you forgot to show. I don’t want to know how much Tiffany’s is. What I want is for you to be happy. For me.
It’s weird really. When all along you said you’d take care of things but now. But now you’ve turned around with a different voice.
Things are different now. Please try to remember. What happened in the past. What you had to do. That was you. It’s me now. It’s my turn. And I’d like to do it differently.
Plus, I have yet to ask about the trip up North. The way it’s going, I really need to take matters into my own hands. Rest assured, I will never ask for your opinion again. What you said really hurts. Even if it’s a fact. But dear God, you’re going by the book. Which goes to show that what I want is really the least of your concerns.
I never doubted that you have been the one keeping the family going. Money makes the world go round. But it’s not the only thing that keeps everyone moving.
I think it’s best that I ignore you for the rest of the day.
Half asleep, my mind’s speaking through my eyes. I’ve found the rain song again. And after an uneventful year, it still heals my soul. It comes and goes. Comes and goes. Sometimes it feels like nobody will ever understand.
It is not one thing. It’s everything. At once. It’s the voice that drowns my real voice. The one that says things she doesn’t believe. I’ve never had to look back for sadness. But now I can only cry, for this sorrow has no name.
I don’t want you to ask of it. I don’t need anything of you. These tears that can’t seem to go away, I make sure I cry with them alone. Like the vintage projector videos tinted with a sad sepia shade, I watch my life rewind and play. Rewind and play.
If the elephants have past lives yet all destined to always remember
It’s no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper
And I am dreaming of them on the planes
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads
And how dare that you send me that card when I am doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you
If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night
And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart
And how dare that you say you’ll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won’t you do it with one who is kind
And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you’re living you don’t stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance
You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed
So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night
Miss Yamagata herself on the carousel creatures – elephants. It hits a note on the line that I’ve drawn behind me. We choose to remember. Remember, being the magic word.
Remember.
If you have to take sides with the animals, do it with one that is kind.
These words mean the world to me, as they paint the world I was too blind to see. When they say there are no words, no words to describe a feeling, perhaps it is their decision to say nothing at all?
Falling prey is never the same when you recognise your enemies. What of those whom are your allies? When they inadvertently set out traps, steal your hearts and laugh at you. Never knowing that it takes forever to stop bleeding. Never knowing how it feels to bleed. Never knowing my fear of anticipating an impending scar.
These teeth marks I feel all around my skin. I am made to believe they are still there.
You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds.
And indeed, lying down with the dogs will get you fleas. Dust as you might, these bugs have already taken so much of what you never hope to lose.
Where is hope when you need it? Yes, everyone needs hope. I’m reaching out to the stars, in hope that I’ll catch it before it disappears. And if I never find it, perhaps there’ll still be peace.
Sometimes you think that you really know yourself.
But you never really do.
Until someone tells you who you are. You’ll always think that you’re right.
Even when you know your own flaws.
Admitting them aloud is quite different from hearing it in your heart.
You think you have it all planned out. That you’re this way because of that. But it’s all a big lie, because you’re trying to find excuses for your mistakes, your screw-ups.
That life is not going the way you want it to go because you’re traumatised from a past that was never really yours anyway.
Borrowed heaven.
Thank you for unravelling my thoughts. For keeping things simple. For making me see that it’s okay, really okay.
For pointing out my blunders so that I can become a better person. It made me feel human, that I’m not so perfect after all.
It somehow lifted the weight off my shoulders.
That it’s okay to put that blanket away.
It’s okay to climb back out from the box.
I’m looking at it from afar and I think this is better than what I intended it to be.
I’ve harboured a fear that someday someone will find out that I am a nobody.
But with this heart, I am slowly learning that I have much room for improvement.
And I intend to take on this challenge with cinnamon sugar and a spoonful of vanilla.
Till candy calls.
I’ve forgotten.
I’ve forgotten about this life.
I can’t remember today.
Everyday blanks over like the hours before.
I don’t know where I’m heading.
But I know where I want to go.
It’s been a long year
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
It’s sad when they have it in movies. Sometimes, I ache for them. But one thing I’ve got to change, is to get more time to catch up on these, my ol’ favourites.
I feel so grown up, I don’t know how to react when I meet children. Children of men.
I feel tired too, as these responsibilities take its toll on me. I don’t know what I’m becoming. Who I am. Who I’ll be.
And these spots, they are driving me crazy. My eyes feel like they’ve not seen the moonlight for years.
Plus, I’ll soon be 24.
And I can’t imagine what you revealed last night. Never, never would I have thought that I could have this kind of effect with anyone at all.
I have made a pact to sleep in 0002 mins and yet I have to blog something!
It’s been forever since I’ve seen you, Ms WordPress and I miss you so.
Today has been a good day. Finding my foothold on something at least.
Neither here nor there is not such a bad thing after all.
It gives me time to breathe. To play a little.
With a million thoughts running through my head, I turn to dreams for that melody I seek.
I looked to my left and I saw confusion. When I thought I was the only one terribly confused. Ahhh, what a life for me.
As Pey puts it life is good.
So it is, my dear friend. So it is.
Why did you let your puppy go?
Oh she’s alright. She’ll come back when she’s hungry.
Aren’t you worried that someone will kidnap her or something?
Nah. She’ll take care of herself.
Hmm. What if she finds food elsewhere?
Oh she can eat all she wants. Good on her if she tries some new things.
But that would make her not want to come back anymore.
Don’t be silly. This is HOME. She’ll miss it soon enough.
Somebody might just treat her better out there.
Well I know her quite well. Just need to pour on my charm and she’ll run right back.
What makes you so sure?
Because I’m her master. And she loves me.
She’ll find someone else to love.
Yeah, in time she probably will. But familiarity breeds nostalgia. I mean, why move to another house when you already have one here? She can come and go as she pleases.
I don’t understand this. YOU’RE the one that’s opening the gates for her. Pushing her even, to stay out all day. And you’re saying that she can come and go as she pleases?
Well yeah! That’s what I’m letting her do. And she’s doing fine with it!
I can’t believe I’m listening to this. Man, this is not LOVE! You can’t dictate someone else’s life as you please! Even if you think she’s not as good as you!
I can’t just brush away our history together like that. I have my own life to get on with too you know. We’ve been together for so long. It’s the right time to take a break.
You do know that this will make you both grow farther apart. You don’t even talk to her on a daily basis now!
If I did, nothing would have changed. This is a break for God’s sake. A change!
You’re messing with her life. She doesn’t know when to come, or go. She is afraid to expect anything from you. And I’m sure she’s beginning to realise that you’re just like all the wannabe masters out there who crave for control, but never wanting the responsibility that comes with it.
There’s too much going on in my life right now. I just don’t have the time for this.
Uh-huh. I guess the worst thing is that you’re not willing to MAKE time for her. This is no longer love dude.
But I still miss her. And I care for her.
But you’re never there for her.
I will be, if she needs me.
How will you know? You just check up on her whenever you feel like it. And expect her to tell you everything at one go. And not even face to face!
If she prefers to keep it inside, I will respect her decision.
Hell, nobody wants to keep their troubles to themselves. They’re just praying, praying that someone will understand what their feelings are without having to be asked. I mean, where’s the sensitivity? You used to have it.
I’m not a mind reader you know.
Who is? You just want everything easy. Thrown onto your lap before you take any action. You need someone to tell you that they’re sad before you know it? Man, that’s sad.
Well she’s just got to get over this. We’ve talked it over before. She knows what kind of person I am.
But you’re confusing her, aren’t you? You’re turning on the hot and cold charm when, and as you feel like it. And still you’re blaming her for not feeling like talking to you sometimes.
Well if she doesn’t feel like talking to me, she can just tell me to stop.
Ah, there you go again. Sometimes, I even wonder if you’ve ever been in a relationship before. How come you don’t know anything??
I know that I should give her space when she needs it.
She’s the one who’s giving you space! And you’re taking advantage of it! You think that one phone call can erase all the misses. That it’s enough as a form of catching up. Well if that’s enough for you, then maybe you should start practicing that with all your friends. Why bother to meet up with them anyway? A phone call is as good as anything.
That’s my social life alright? I’ve worked really hard on it. And I’ve got it where I want it to be.
Which makes it okay for you to be selfish? The contacts that you’re worked SO hard to get. Nah, nobody must screw it up for you. They’re yours and you don’t wish to share. Which makes it a little ironic don’t you think? Being an active social-encourager, encouraging people to make friends with everyone and anyone in town and yet, it’s all only one-sided. You just want to go out and make friends? You’re that open really? Well you’re a hypocrite.
It’s just not the time yet to share.
Yeah, listen to the control freak talking. Everyone must abide by his rules. After all, he created this LIFE for himself. This NEW life, that can only work when he’s finished eliminating all of his OLD baggage. Completely, entirely new set of friends. New interests. New car. New wardrobe. New accent. New vocabulary. Man, it’s like being reborn isn’t it?
This is what I should have felt years ago. I didn’t have that then. And now I’m reliving it. It’s what I missed out on.
Oh well. Balance was never a favoured word in your mind. Only EXTREME. I guess, in taking up on your new life, you have decided to sacrifice all the unnecessary rest that have stuck with you all through these years. Through better or worse. You’re giving them up, just because you can’t take them with you.
They’re better off without me. They deserve better.
The selfish one talking again. Those words that you said, you’ve just managed to brush off those people that were once most important to you. You’re washing your hands clean. You don’t want anything to do with them anymore. Because they don’t just FIT in with your life now. Tsk tsk.
I just want to live my life to the fullest.
Yeah, I guess by being greedy, you can do just that. Now I see why she no longer wants to come back. Even if it means staying away at a place that she’s unsure of. She had everything going for her. Until you took it away. Because you didn’t have the courage to make ends meet. Because you’re a coward, disguised in the skin of the ever-popular life of the party guy that all your friends know you to be. The one that can dance. Yeah. Joke. Yeah. Perform magic. Yeah. The one that can make everyone laugh, but is not willing to really spend time on those that need him. What even goes on in your mind man? Weren’t you ever taught etiquette? Or courtesy?
I just want to live my life. And I’ll be alone for the rest of it.
At the rate you’re going at, I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re gonna get. When everyone’s gone home to be with their loved ones, you will have no one because you’d rather play than get things done. And you said that your parents loved her? Well, they must love you even more because they’ve not said a damn thing about how you’ve been treating her. And if I didn’t know you better, I wouldn’t even talk to you anymore. Getting tired of your ways dude. Life is not to be taken advantage of like this. And Karma, think about Karma.
