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How do I say this without you telling me that I should’ve told you?
I guess it’s late now and being not in the best of moods, I only have you to talk to.
It’s frustrating and it has been frustrating again tonight. At times, it worries me to death but I still can’t find the heart to yell at you because I know you’ve had a long day.
But if we are to share a life, a future, a family, perhaps you could give me a hand or at least try.
If it slips your mind, I hope you remember. If you fall into a deep sleep, I hope you’ll remember enough to wake up. Or at least make sure that you do something to prevent it from happening again.
So many times I’ve tried to reach you to talk to you but like the others, I’m forced to wonder why you never answer on the first, second, third call and so forth.
Silent mode. In a meeting. Nature calls. Battery’s dead. We’ve all been there done that. And yet, there is no one I’ve had the honour of being close to who gives as many excuses as you do. Heck, they aren’t even excuses. They have become a norm.
And frankly, it has gotten worse. How can I foresee it ever minimising really? At work, at play, at home, in the car, not in the car…the list is piling up.
It’s difficult to bear, when others start calling me to try and reach you. How am I to tell them that even I don’t have the privilege to get a hold of you?
And as always, I have a fear that your irresponsibility or plain indifference will come at a time when there’s no turning back. If ever anything happens and a split second makes all the difference, please remember that you can’t turn back time. There are no what ifs, as I’ve painfully learned.
There’s only one chance to live. One opportunity, to make sure everything goes right the first and last time around.
I believe that if this keeps going on, soon I won’t feel like calling you anymore.
Like a lover who shouts over the cliff. Hearing no echo, she is forced to swallow her tears and leave in silence. What of this wedding, she may ask?
What of this love, that forgets to reply?
What of this trust, that fails to pacify?
Can you honestly think it’s okay to go on like this? Can you honestly think that waiting is okay if I really loved you?
If you do, then make me wait.
Make me wait like you always do.
Make the world wait, if you can.
For time and tide waits for you.
The games and the computers, they’ll wait for you.
The 24hour mamaks, they’ll wait for you.
The one hour RM2.00 plugs, they’ll wait for you.
The alarm clocks that scream and yell, they’ll wait for you.
Everything will wait, as it should.
But I’ve had enough.
Night passes like day it shines, like night it sleeps.
Voices tuck in, songs silently cry in vain and dies. Nobody here but the souls of those who wait. It’s a new year for God’s sake and still we’re here.
Just a minute ago, I bumped into one that chose to hide. Sadly though, as I would’ve tried to make her feel better. If anything went wrong that is. But life says that even if you listen, others may not choose to speak. And so I wish her all the best, come what may, God bless.
It’s almost 2 and I’m recalling those words.
I’ve not been fair to you, he said.
Indeed you have not. Perhaps a real fight can only come from within. Never expect others to save you from what you can control. I often wonder, what power do I possess? Am I big enough, or am I still as small as I see myself?
What of this lost soul beside me, does he feel as small? It’s wrong to judge and yet my instincts tell me what I shouldn’t see. I can’t think I’m smarter, I can’t think I’m good. But somehow, hearing those blasting signal fire echo from below, and it’s 2am now (I mean who plays games at 2am instead of going home to his wife when work’s already done?), I certainly feel that something’s amiss.
Will I grow into something more, or do I only belong among the mediocre? That’s the question I have been asking myself for quite a while now. I never meant to give you any pressure. I don’t think I’ll be good enough for a housewife even. I’d love to work for as long as I can so I won’t wither away and die.
But it sometimes gets too much to bear when my obsession with details somehow makes people think that I should be left to tie up the loose ends.
Even if I’m constantly using whatever little intelligence I have left, will it only walk as far within the Vatican city but never beyond? That, is quite worrying.
I do look forward to any break that I can get now so that I can finally do some wife-to-be stuff. Plus, I hope I’m not putting my health on hold as too much work meant that my overdue medical check up has now expired.
Sometimes, I want to say a lot, but don’t feel like saying anything. Too tired, to even utter a word.
Please stop changing your mind. Give me back my weekends please. Please?
Perhaps, I have not been the person they wanted me to be.
Secretly, they may have blamed me when it failed.
Never strong enough in their eyes. Never thinking twice about anything at all.
What about that scholarship?
The money I bring home every month?
The strength to go on, when the world ended for me.
The things I didn’t eat, because my brother didn’t understand.
Holding the family on one hand, growing up on another.
This is mine, mine to use. I want so much to share, but I will hold back now, because I am not like their children.
I’m sharing half my life with you, but you’re unconsciously asking for every slice.
I can’t tell you things you don’t want to hear. But I hope one day soon, you will realize who loves you and who loves themselves.
Close your eyes. Don’t compare me with who I’m not.
I thought you did, but you never really changed.
Still that quiet little thing, expecting rejection but despising it all the same.
I can’t answer you anything else, but that “work is fine”. How can I tell you that I get so tired sometimes, I just wish to run on home to bed? That I feel like giving up but still go on because of these heavy shoulders I carry?
Girls my age only think about weddings, M.A.C, ZARA and Nine West.
Because of you, I feel guilty even buying from Bata.
The world is changing. I wish I was not.
I can no longer understand the way things work. Cutting ahead is the norm now.
Life is like the highway. There’s no stopping now. You go along, eventhough you’re scared. The slow lane is all you’ve got.
It is not power. It is not my right. Sometimes, believing is all you need.
My eyes are coloured. Before I finish, I have begun on something else.
Slowly, my dreams are emerging before the clouds. I do not understand these needs, but I know they complete me better.
But who knows what fits me for real?
I see people pushing. I see them being pushed. In the end, somehow the unthinkable happens.
Sometimes this anger comes back. Even before 25, she holds the family up. Ironic, how it was she who started it all.
Oh well, better things to take care of now.
Anger, I have never understood.
Scream and shout, if it makes you happy.
If it makes you feel better.
Or if it makes you feel like you’re releasing your anger, in the first place.
The pent up emotion, nobody’s there to listen to what they are. We don’t understand. We don’t see it the way you do.
This butterfly effect from the smallest of things. I can see it building, but I still can’t quite grasp its maturity.
I know. Anger is above all. Even fear. Especially fear.
We kick. We fight. Because we can’t let them know that inside, we want to hide so badly.
It’s so much easier to point out the faults you’ve noticed. Their faults. The things they weren’t meant to do. With the stash that you struggled to save. And the trash they unknowingly flaunted right in front of you.
Of course, it’s only an opinion.
Thank you for reminding me the rules of the competition.
But please, this is just an opinion.
We can speak in languages beyond comprehension. Just to demonstrate that we can say whatever we want, because it is an opinion. And opinions aren’t meant to matter, except to the person that wants to get it off his chest.
I shouldn’t really take this to heart. But a lot of what is said, really explains a lot. The forthcoming can be expected. Ironically, it just shows how much I don’t get it.
The frustrations won’t go away, if you let it become a cycle. The smallest of pebbles have now become the rocks in your path. Keep it there, and soon the endless river will form a dam.
We never know where to start. We don’t know where to go. But we still need to take that first step. We can say we want to do this. And what we’d like to get done tomorrow.
But the truth is, we’re really judged for what we actually get done isn’t it?
I remember her interpretation. That we all have intentions, good or bad. We can have a million good ones, marred by only one tiny bad one. If the good ones never get the time, and the bad one slips out, what good really are intentions? Precisely that, they are only intentions, not actions of any solid kind.
Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still
Perhaps this is what I need. Getting there on my own. Bringing change to myself, rather than waiting for the world to wait for me.
I don’t know if I can do it. I’m still learning, still discovering, still tasting. I’ve been left out in the open for too long. Time to make it mean something.
This empty skull.
This lifeless heart.
That can’t seem to understand, how similar we can be. Your weights are no doubt meant for the nature you’ve been born with. Those that you have to shoulder, I wish I could lend a hand.
I am still afraid. Advantage, it seems, is one letter short of 10. Not doing much, yet afraid that less will be given.
It frustrates me that a word can lead onto a million thoughts. That those words are needed so much to pacify the insecurities.
Sometimes, you don’t even believe a word I say, because you already have your own opinions about me.
Sometimes, I just want to shut the world out with the silence I can bring.
Sometimes, I just want to sleep without repeating what I’ve repeated.
Sometimes, I just want to quietly lay my head down, and listen to the other heart that beats.
Sometimes, I just want you to say that it’s ok to be me. That it’s ok to cry. To feel this way. To rethink my footsteps.
I always knew it was a mistake. Disclosure. Now I can’t harp at the foothills of these faults. Because I’d be made to accept that you’d be bearing the brunt of it. The brunt of it all. Even if it’s different. Even when I’m trying to tell you what I’m screaming to say.
And because I’m no good with the spoken word, I end up explaining my way out just so that the balloon flies to just the right spot without blowing out of proportion. I can’t be me sometimes, I can’t run at my own pace. Because when you need an answer, I can’t give it to you right away. And when you need it so badly everytime, sometimes the answers can’t all be right. No time to think. No time to say it like I mean it.
These headaches that crop up so often, I wish I knew how to make it go away.
If it weren’t for sober, it would’ve turned ugly. If it weren’t for Miss Clarkson, emotions like these wouldn’t have existed.
Today I got a call from an actor (I meant f*cker) who couldn’t stop telling me what he had to share.
Do you know who I am? I am so full of myself, that I have to remind others who I really am. People actually hire me to talk crap on tv. My show has over 1 million viewers, who’d rather leave their tv on during bedtime than save a lil’ electricity. Don’t even ask me why I had to make this call myself, since I’m supposed to be super busy with fans and members of the media swooning over my appearance and trying to see what Miss Apple saw in me. But then again, I know about karma, so I’m up for doing any charity that you might have in mind.
Full-time jerk! Like the other full-time jerk I thought I knew.
Somebody wake them up. I just hope they won’t get a heart attack when they find out that this is not Hollywood. Or any land that would take them in for that matter.
Peace to the rest. I love ya’all.
No one else will know these lonely dreams.
No one else will know this part of you. I have given up. And you should too.
It’s not meant to be. It felt right. Once. But now, it’s over. Over and done with.
If God brings one saint to every person, you have been the opposite of mine. No doubts, it is through you that I’ve learnt to live again. To climb back up from the bottomless pit. Without a steady foothold even. But I survived.
The journey is endless I know. It is not complete yet. I’m taking a little step at a time, with the help of my angel eyes. I am learning to walk a different route. And you should too, since you always have.
Time will never erase these scars deeply embedded within my soul. Beyond believe, you have wrecked my aspirations, my dreams, the only life that I knew. It’s a little like putting all my eggs in a basket, handing them to you in trust only to have you let go and send the innocent crashing down to reality.
A pity really.
Yes indeed, it is too late. Too late to say that you’ll be someone you can never be.
It is when you can no longer tell what are lies and what are not, that you cease to desire the things you once said you would die for.
Trust, good ol’ trust, is earned. Earned not through a million apologies, a heartfelt word, or a simple phone call, but through the practice of truth, responsiblity, humility and the human touch of sincerity.
I can’t help you anymore. Because I can’t help myself either. I trust in Him to bring you faith. I did not intend for my prayers to bring you pain.
Only what it feels like to be me.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
I can forgive you. For all the pain in this world that I had to deal with. Alone.
But I’ll never forget.
Never.
Never.
You left a hole in my heart. That’s what she said. And I couldn’t help thinking that you did the same to me. This hole that will never disappear. My heart that would never be the same again.
My emotions were my sanctuary. But you robbed me of them. I was left tattered, in rags, with no home that would take me for who I had become.
I thought love had left me for good. That it would never find me again. Because what I had believed in all along, turned out to be one big joke.
Why now? Why not before?
Perhaps, you had to take your time, because the girl you once knew would’ve waited forever, like how she waited every night without a word of complaint. Just waiting to shower you with love and respect and hugs and kisses. Which you turned away from.
Till today, I do not know what took you from me. Unexplainable, because you don’t even understand it yourself.
To watch the leaves grow on the trees with you
Is out of question
I walk into this summer all alone
The usual session
You feel your instinct then you act
But was it your intention?
To leave me down and broken
Now you’ve ended our ascension
In my life, you’ve redefined the words promise and forever. They no longer mean something to me, because I’m afraid of losing what little hope that I have left in me. You made me believe. And I did. We did.
I still can feel the beach sand in my shoes
Remember when?
We talked along the ocean’s song
‘Til blue from black fade in
But that was then I learned to live
Without you far within
I ask you why you’re back to try
To let me lose again
Some things you just know. Some say it’s too fast. But I say, why wait? It is when you hesitate, that you lose the things most precious to you. A moment gone is a moment lost.
You brought me here
You wet my taste
You disappear
Without a trace
It wasn’t me who made the call
It wasn’t me. I can’t go back, because this is life.
Nobody will ever know what it’s like, until they have tasted pain upon their lips. The bark that breaks when it’s the only thing you have to hold on to. The shoes that trip you over even when you’re only walking.
Because you don’t know what it’s like, it is my responsibility to let you. You made this choice sir, you live with it. After all, you dealt the cards and told me that I had to live with my hand, for better or worse. That I had to stick through it alone, that you can’t be there anymore. Because you just didn’t want to. No longer, no longer the person I loved.
You had me comparing everyone to you. Because I had not known perfection till 6 years ago. You shaped me into you, and now I have to deal with it.
A while ago, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t move forward. I secretly prayed that this day will come, that you would say just that.
This is the biggest mistake of my life.
It was a fantasy. The only assurance that there was nothing wrong with me.
And now, I have closed my eyes. With my back turned, my toes are at the edge of the cliff. My arms, I have them wrapped around me. I am wearing a soft, white gown. Cotton perhaps. Black, my hair is once again black as the wind gently blows it. In the direction of my destiny.
I am letting go. I can hear the silence. The peace. Freefall. I am about to freefall. It is time. You know how bungee jumpers let go? That is how I’m going to do it. If no one is there to catch me, it’s alright. I have me. I always have me.
With this fall, this plunge, my sadness will go with it. My fears, my doubts, my pain.
I’m sorry that it has to be this way. That I can’t say it’s okay, I’m here, it’s okay. That I can no longer wait for you to reappear again. That we can no longer share a laugh, or a tear, or a future. That I can no longer sing, for you.
I have to do this, because this is life, sir. One has to be responsible for his actions. There is no erasing the past when you wait for too long. Perhaps, this is the only way I can ensure you won’t kill another heart. No one person deserves to feel the sting of your slice. No one.
If this is what it takes, to be apart, to have you change for the better, then I have no regrets. Living a life without you is something different, something strange. The right thing, indeed, is the hardest thing ever.
I have stopped asking why. Because you are but a figment of my imagination. I dreamt you into reality. And now you have to take your leave.
I cannot have you in here anymore. Anything that you occupy, takes a little piece of my life away from me. You took Sundays away. He gave them back to me. He, whom I’d never have met, if it wasn’t for you. But you took it away again today. That’s when I know this has to stop.
It’s a little ironic. You, who would never give up your friends to share a smile with me.
And him, who has lost them because he chose us.
I suppose, I can still hear you from a distance. Funny, that’s why it felt weird today.
But sir, happiness should have no reservations. And if anyone can keep you away from it, this is how we know we can’t be with that person. Anymore.
That’s it. You don’t want to tell me. But I know. Now.
Jimmy says: I’m sorry everyday.
Silly me. I guess it’s bland obvious. Not really territorial, like I thought.
He found out the hard way that he felt for you.
Nobody will really know this, except for you. If I had another chance, I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell you first. But, things might’ve turned out differently anyway.
I did what my heart told me to do. Something made me hold back. Perhaps to see your colours. And you have taken the bait.
I’m sorry that I pushed you in a corner. I gave you no time to run. To hide. In your room alone, that’s when it’s the hardest, I know.
Friendship is fragile enough as it is, without interweaving with love-forsaken reasons.
Love. It takes one to find it forever. Some may never find it. Picky. Uncertain. Confused.
You just know. Sometimes, you just now.
As long as you’re happy.
Happiness is another reason why we do the things we do. That is our goal. Every little gesture, every word, is done for happiness.
When we hesitate, when we pause, that is when our heart tell us something is not right. That whatever we are planning to do may not result in our happiness at all.
That’s why you didn’t make a move right?
We are only human. I am only 24. Our definitions of friendship, now I know, is entirely different.
If you knew.
If only you knew the true values of friendship, which you claimed you did.
I’m riding the waves. Going slow. Having my ups. And then the downs.
I wake up, wanting to go back to sleep. Climb into bed, wanting to see what tomorrow brings.
It’s a little funny, what the wee hours of the morning will bring me. 48 hours. And there you go again.
I thought I didn’t know you anymore. And yet, and yet I do.
Please don’t be confused. The big C is a difficult state. Confucious will forever be linked to this disease. It took him forever to get out. I’m still trying to hold onto the raft that stopped to help.
Sometimes, we choose a path because we want greater things. We’re adults, we make decisions based on carefully calculated consequences. Eenie meenie minie moe is no longer an option. Once we step on the accelerator, the car moves forward.
But this is not a car.
This is life. We cannot reverse to what we’ve passed. The passengers we left behind. They will stay there forever. Some will try to follow. Eventually, they will take other exits, other routes.
The only signboards we know, are the ones in our head. When we make a decision, we cannot expect to have the U-turn up ahead for safety measures.
Life is not like the computer games I’ve wasted hours on. If we step into a pot hole and lose a life, we can’t go back to where we last saved. No, the show must go on. For better or worse.
Nothing waits. Everything changes.
Fill these spaces up with days
In my room you can go you can stay
I can’t sleep.
I can’t speak to you.
Now these years locked on my drawer
I’ll open to see just to be sure
I can’t sleep.
I can’t speak to you.
Hold my wine hold it in
Nobody’s lost but nobody wins
It is a dream. You are but a dream. Dreams, eventually vanish. As we grow up and realise what’s real and what’s not, we discover that Santa’s never coming home. There is no use putting out the cookies and the milk. There is no use for hope. Because he has none to give.
I’ve listened. I’ve been obedient even. I’ve done everything you said. But there comes a time when I’ll just have to do things because I want to do ‘em.
If I want to go on, I’ll have to stay awake. There is no looking back.
I’ve got my seat belt fastened. I’ve yet to learn to drive. But I’ll find my way.
Milk thistle will be good for me.
