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These tears that fall upon her cheek, are they hers really, or are they for you?
The sickness creeps in and clenches onto her soul as she wonders how a word said can be a word forgotten.
If I can do it, why can’t you?
This phrase takes no meaning here. Simply because it doesn’t ring a bell.
If I needed you, could you really be here for me?
But she is left with silence, unreachable, even when barely 12 hours ago it was agreed.
How I brought about this pain, I do not know. It’s there, I can feel it. Yet I can’t describe it well. It’s very much like somebody has grabbed onto my heart, squeezing it tightly, without letting go.
The most difficult thing is when you can’t tell someone how much you miss them at the very second that you miss them. I’m holding back, because I’m afraid that it’ll scare you away. I’m bottling it up, because I don’t want to lose you again.
How do I make this feeling go away? With tonnes of work on my back, I wish I could just curl up in my bed and let time pass me by. That it’ll be okay when the lonely afternoon whizzes past and I’m at one with the night again.
I know good things come to those who wait. I couldn’t wait, because I had been waiting for so long. All I wanted was to have you near, that feeling of content, of satisfaction that finally I’m back here with you.
I never give up. Like I said, I have more hope in this world than any two or three person combined for the rest of their lives. I’ll fall, I’ll gladly fall again. And I’ll wait, if I have to wait for a life time.
It is not an endless journey, when you know what you’re searching for. When you have this map and an X that marks the spot, you know that it is only a matter of time before you find it. No worries, none at all. The wait is unbearable at times, but I know the treasure is priceless. It is worth more than anything in this world, more than you and me, more than life itself.
It is love, and love is wonderful.
I ask eventhough I know the answer. Is it because I don’t understand? Perhaps we should really talk it through without any qualms whatsoever. Just over coffee, tea, ice cream anything.
I spoke only of the truth last night. If I told you anything else was my source of happiness, I would’ve been lying. I know it is you, because without you there is none. This is how I know, as silly as it seems. We can’t control our feelings and our emotions, and I wish not to hide. I can put on a strong demeanor, a straight face. But with you, I just want to be me.
I want to crumple in your arms and say that I miss you, that I’ve always missed you and that I’ll always miss you, till the day I have no more life in me.
I took a nap just now. Something different that I introduced into my routine. Something different.
I need a difference in my life. I need to be without worries, without guilt, without doubts. At least, for now. I am no longer the same, no longer in the same old shell. I’ve shed my skin, and became something else.
I don’t know.
I could crash and burn.
But maybe, at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.
It is a slow and labourous journey, but I’m starting to get the hang of it. I thought I was, but I’m not. I don’t know if I’ll ever be. But it’s something I’m willing to find out, in my travels of learning to be lonely.
It used to be the worst thing I could ever imagine. To make meaning out of something, alone. But now, I cannot live without it. I cannot live without my thoughts, my feelings, me. I can no longer be someone I’m not, because it ain’t fair.
I cannot turn everything I touch into the colour green, just because I’m obsessed with it. I cannot turn imperfections into my own definitions of the colour green, because I must learn to love myself first. Have I really, all these years?
I didn’t think so.
I must now learn to wear the green shades and watch from afar. I cannot claim something for myself, and keep it close even though I have no heart for it. This is not shopping. It will never be.
Perhaps, I’ve lost touch with the world. With the colour of autumn leaves, the ferris wheels and all the love there is to share.
I still believe in feelings.
But sometimes I feel too much.
I make believe you’re close to me.
But it ain’t close enough.
It is not something I expect anyone to understand. Sometimes, I weave in and out of unconsciousness too.
Every 60 seconds you spend being sad is 1 minute of happiness you will never get back.
I’ve never been one to lie to myself. Only once, I did. And that has left me with this shell. I’m sorry, this is not who I want to be, but I am.
We’re the same, but I see the distance. It’s something I cannot explain. It’s no longer about the past.
It’s all me.
I have flaws too. And I’ve come to realise that the biggest flaw, is being me.
Time is of the essence when you don’t know what you want. Life is springing more and more surprises upon me as I discover that heartbreak is part and parcel of the everyday.
I know how it feels and I don’t want to do this to you, but I know I might already have.
I need this for myself.
I expect too much and I need to slow down.
This is not the flower you deserve.
What would it take for blue, blue skies…
How’s your halo? It’s been a long time.
You can’t let go of your past?
I’m trying to.
How do I do that? Can you help me?
If you’re willing to open up to the possibilities.
There is a Guardian Angel for everybody out there.
Are you mine?
If not, why was it Turquoise when it couldn’t have been anything but Turquoise? Are you lying because I’m willing?
I’m willing. I’m willing to believe anything. For blue, blue skies.
I want to clear my conscience. I want my anger to disappear. I don’t want to go back in 10 years, and see the chart do a dip.
I want to stop talking about it. I can’t do that, if you keep asking questions. If you keep assuming. If you keep talking like I don’t exist.
Maybe I need some of that Love & Light spray you like so much.
Mondays give me a heartache. They weigh me down. They turn me into this monster. Who needs all the help she can get from the heavens above.
I believe. I believe in you, my Angel.
Please come and save me soon.
Sometimes, I wished I had never met you. I might have turned out differently.
When life throws a few curve balls at me, racing at full speed, how do I choose which one to save? Perhaps I think it’s alright to just duck and shrug and say that I wouldn’t have been able to do anything useful anyway?
Watch it fly past me. Knowing that I will forget, because it is the past.
I’ve been here before. What it feels like to look at the clock, not knowing if what the fox said was really true. That there is only hope, and happiness, and anticipation, if you knew what was coming at you.
And right this very minute, I do not know. Like I’ve dedicated my life to not knowing, because knowing something is being nosy.
What could I have done to have made it all better? Swallow my pride and forever rest in peace?
Sometimes I really wonder, if it’s really that bad to tell the truth. What good will it do to keep quiet, when I can’t even look you in the eye.
FYI, I understand now why alcohol soothes the soul. Why so many people turn to it, when their life is anything but perfect. And it was timely, that I had my own swig of Vodka. It tasted real good. Real good.
Man. It’s only 10.30 now. I might have to wait whole night, for that time to never come.
I don’t want to return. Anywhere, but to let them see me cry. To recognise defeat, once again.
And the worst thing is, I can’t possibly explain why.
That I’m going at it again and again and again. Guess I thought that fate would lead me somewhere. Anywhere, but here.
Maybe, it’s really not meant to be. That it has never been up to me before.
For the tears that I shed, a thousand more will follow. Because I am searching, but I have not found.
There is a legend of a man under the sea.
He is a fisher of men.
A last hope for all those who’ve been left behind.
He is The Guardian.
And how I wished I had mine now.
I never thought that this day would come so soon.
She is leaving only tomorrow, but I already miss her.
And right now, right at this moment, this song hits me.
And her eyes are like skies that will rain
But there’s work to be done
And she does not complain
Her children are so far away
I heard you crying
I heard you pray
Now you must go
And it’s so hard to say
Goodbye, Carmen
Thank you for staying with us for a while
(With your pretty smile)
And someday you’ll get home again
Goodbye, Carmen
Hasta manana or who knows when
(It all depends)
Goodbye…
We’re convinced our intentions are good
But we live in this world often misunderstood
Can you feel it? (Uh-huh)
I can feel it
And no one seems to care much
And it’s so hard to say
Goodbye, Carmen
Thank you for staying with us for a while
(With your pretty smile)
And someday you’ll get home again
Goodbye, Carmen
Hasta manana or who knows when
(It all depends)
Goodbye…
Carmen…careful what you do
Be careful what you see, Carmen
I will always be with you
Turn around but she’s lost in the sun
There was so much to say
But she’s already gone, so
Thank you Carmen
Don’t be afraid this is not the end
So rest your head
I hope someday we will meet again
Goodbye, Carmen
Hasta manana or never again
But you’re my friend Carmen
Goodbye…Goodbye…Goodbye…
Goodbye Carmen.Wilson Philips*
It was a special friendship we had. Nobody else like her, saying the things she did.
One of the many things I like is how we shared a love for movies that nobody ever heard about.
There’s no one else that I can discuss Clockwork Orange madness with. Or interpret Donnie Darko the way that I did.
I remember I couldn’t believe my luck when we scored the same flat. The best time I had then, was those shared with her.
Many may say that we have an unusual friendship. Because the people she hung out with aren’t usually like me. Or rather, the friends I hang out with rarely possess the qualities she had.
She’s special to everyone she meets.
I also remember that almost every guy would hit on her whenever we went grocery shopping. Although they were older guys. And foreign too.
And how the friendliest person can be unfriendly at the wrong time and place.
I still smile when I think of how she ignored my friends over dim sum in Chinatown, just because she was in a bad mood.
Although they ignored her too, with their 24/7/4 seasons Chinese dialects over cheese baked crab and shiu mai fritters.
We would make trips to splurge every other weekend. On clothes that I haven’t worn once since we returned. It was Harbour Town this Saturday. The city next Sunday.
Before we knew it, we had jumped on board back to where we came from.
My heart is heavy.
And I know it’s because she’s leaving.
A year is short.
But without her, it will be a long one.
“Will you have forgotten about me at the end of the year?”
Of course I won’t.
Who else will laugh with me then?
