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How do I say this without you telling me that I should’ve told you?
I guess it’s late now and being not in the best of moods, I only have you to talk to.
It’s frustrating and it has been frustrating again tonight. At times, it worries me to death but I still can’t find the heart to yell at you because I know you’ve had a long day.
But if we are to share a life, a future, a family, perhaps you could give me a hand or at least try.
If it slips your mind, I hope you remember. If you fall into a deep sleep, I hope you’ll remember enough to wake up. Or at least make sure that you do something to prevent it from happening again.
So many times I’ve tried to reach you to talk to you but like the others, I’m forced to wonder why you never answer on the first, second, third call and so forth.
Silent mode. In a meeting. Nature calls. Battery’s dead. We’ve all been there done that. And yet, there is no one I’ve had the honour of being close to who gives as many excuses as you do. Heck, they aren’t even excuses. They have become a norm.
And frankly, it has gotten worse. How can I foresee it ever minimising really? At work, at play, at home, in the car, not in the car…the list is piling up.
It’s difficult to bear, when others start calling me to try and reach you. How am I to tell them that even I don’t have the privilege to get a hold of you?
And as always, I have a fear that your irresponsibility or plain indifference will come at a time when there’s no turning back. If ever anything happens and a split second makes all the difference, please remember that you can’t turn back time. There are no what ifs, as I’ve painfully learned.
There’s only one chance to live. One opportunity, to make sure everything goes right the first and last time around.
I believe that if this keeps going on, soon I won’t feel like calling you anymore.
Like a lover who shouts over the cliff. Hearing no echo, she is forced to swallow her tears and leave in silence. What of this wedding, she may ask?
What of this love, that forgets to reply?
What of this trust, that fails to pacify?
Can you honestly think it’s okay to go on like this? Can you honestly think that waiting is okay if I really loved you?
If you do, then make me wait.
Make me wait like you always do.
Make the world wait, if you can.
For time and tide waits for you.
The games and the computers, they’ll wait for you.
The 24hour mamaks, they’ll wait for you.
The one hour RM2.00 plugs, they’ll wait for you.
The alarm clocks that scream and yell, they’ll wait for you.
Everything will wait, as it should.
But I’ve had enough.
Night passes like day it shines, like night it sleeps.
Voices tuck in, songs silently cry in vain and dies. Nobody here but the souls of those who wait. It’s a new year for God’s sake and still we’re here.
Just a minute ago, I bumped into one that chose to hide. Sadly though, as I would’ve tried to make her feel better. If anything went wrong that is. But life says that even if you listen, others may not choose to speak. And so I wish her all the best, come what may, God bless.
It’s almost 2 and I’m recalling those words.
I’ve not been fair to you, he said.
Indeed you have not. Perhaps a real fight can only come from within. Never expect others to save you from what you can control. I often wonder, what power do I possess? Am I big enough, or am I still as small as I see myself?
What of this lost soul beside me, does he feel as small? It’s wrong to judge and yet my instincts tell me what I shouldn’t see. I can’t think I’m smarter, I can’t think I’m good. But somehow, hearing those blasting signal fire echo from below, and it’s 2am now (I mean who plays games at 2am instead of going home to his wife when work’s already done?), I certainly feel that something’s amiss.
Will I grow into something more, or do I only belong among the mediocre? That’s the question I have been asking myself for quite a while now. I never meant to give you any pressure. I don’t think I’ll be good enough for a housewife even. I’d love to work for as long as I can so I won’t wither away and die.
But it sometimes gets too much to bear when my obsession with details somehow makes people think that I should be left to tie up the loose ends.
Even if I’m constantly using whatever little intelligence I have left, will it only walk as far within the Vatican city but never beyond? That, is quite worrying.
I do look forward to any break that I can get now so that I can finally do some wife-to-be stuff. Plus, I hope I’m not putting my health on hold as too much work meant that my overdue medical check up has now expired.
Sometimes, I want to say a lot, but don’t feel like saying anything. Too tired, to even utter a word.
Please stop changing your mind. Give me back my weekends please. Please?
