My eyes can only see what’s in front

You know your audience.

You know what makes them laugh.

But to them, you’re only a character. One, in a countless row of stars. Stars that shine almost as bright as you, you think.

They only know what you tell them. What you choose to reveal. The performance you put on. The paint on your face. The silent screams. The torn-up tears. They know everything, only because you choose to tell.

But he is right. The only reason we perform, is to entertain. When the curtain rises, you are never really the person you think you are.

Truth, is only a state of mind.

And we must never let anyone backstage.

They can’t all see the puppet strings and props at once. Or else they’d wonder. Magic, will once again be forgotten.

I hide, because the truth is bitter. Reality bites. And the only thing that can save my world is the promise and hope illusions bring.

I’ve begun to sing to myself, this song of the Westlife boys.

Cause it’s us against the world
You and me against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don’t ever see the day that
I won’t catch you when you fall
Cause it’s us against the world tonight

Only me and the person within against them all.

Happy Birthday Pa

Time has brought me to my senses. It’s been so long, and yet not long enough. Things have not been the same since.

Shot down from heaven, my soul took in the same blow. Every hour pierced deeper and made me fought harder. I did everything I could not to cry. But the tears still fall sometimes.

We don’t really cry for the people who are no longer here. We only cry for ourselves. For the life they left behind. For the love they can no longer feel. For us, for everything we’re going to miss because we’re now left alone.

I’ve lost my voice for words. And I’ve lost my patience for listening. The world is unjust and I am in the midst of it. The rain can fall, the wind can change. But nothing will move my soul anymore. He is gone. And I will not cry. But I will remember. If anything, I will remember.

Not of those years when I smiled and laughed and played. Not of those dreams that disappeared all in one night. But for when he lived. Every moment, every memory, every year, this time, this day.

Happy Birthday Pa.

One eye open at night

Half asleep, my mind’s speaking through my eyes. I’ve found the rain song again. And after an uneventful year, it still heals my soul. It comes and goes. Comes and goes. Sometimes it feels like nobody will ever understand.

It is not one thing. It’s everything. At once. It’s the voice that drowns my real voice. The one that says things she doesn’t believe. I’ve never had to look back for sadness. But now I can only cry, for this sorrow has no name.

I don’t want you to ask of it. I don’t need anything of you. These tears that can’t seem to go away, I make sure I cry with them alone. Like the vintage projector videos tinted with a sad sepia shade, I watch my life rewind and play. Rewind and play.

If the elephants have past lives yet all destined to always remember
It’s no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the planes
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card when I am doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you’ll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won’t you do it with one who is kind

And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you’re living you don’t stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night

Miss Yamagata herself on the carousel creatures – elephants. It hits a note on the line that I’ve drawn behind me. We choose to remember. Remember, being the magic word.

Remember.
If you have to take sides with the animals, do it with one that is kind.

These words mean the world to me, as they paint the world I was too blind to see. When they say there are no words, no words to describe a feeling, perhaps it is their decision to say nothing at all?

Falling prey is never the same when you recognise your enemies. What of those whom are your allies? When they inadvertently set out traps, steal your hearts and laugh at you. Never knowing that it takes forever to stop bleeding. Never knowing how it feels to bleed. Never knowing my fear of anticipating an impending scar.

These teeth marks I feel all around my skin. I am made to believe they are still there.

You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds.

And indeed, lying down with the dogs will get you fleas. Dust as you might, these bugs have already taken so much of what you never hope to lose.

Where is hope when you need it? Yes, everyone needs hope. I’m reaching out to the stars, in hope that I’ll catch it before it disappears. And if I never find it, perhaps there’ll still be peace.