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Addiction is rather simple. Without any proper reason whatsoever, you just want the drug close at all times. You want it by your side all night, and in the morning when you wake up. You want your fix, you just want it now.
The world comes crashing down to reality when you suddenly realize that you’ll sometimes have to go at it alone. Those times in between, when you’ve got to grow up and show the world that you’re no longer the 18-year old you keep dressing up like.
I should have seen this coming a long time ago. But I was confused, thinking that I was mature just because the people close to me were a tad more childish. This year makes it seem necessary for me to do the cross over.
The words I’ve spoken, I can never take them back. They make me cringe in embarassment only after I hear them out aloud. Each time, I feel a kick in my soul that I’m just not as smart as I’d always hoped to be.
Ironically, I feel that I used to be so much more thoughtful during my younger years. Perhaps the silence I seeked to hold on to did me some good. My opinions became lessons for myself; my observations held my hands.
Now, I only have time to react. Maybe bottling up my concerns may not be such a bad idea. At least, they stop me from being this person that I can’t bear to go on living with.
Listening to the melodies that I loved so much before, it still feels like I never left that realm. Melancholy has always been weaved into my name and I know that I never want it to leave. It brings me comfort, to know that there are people like me too.
I never really understood why I had this streak in me. To make myself better, I suppose I always did think of myself as special. The different one, as I would call myself.
But now, I know better. He knows better. Even they know better.
I am no different. As much as I want to stand out, I am nothing without this mask that has followed me through over the years.
Perhaps it’s true what Azure says. Love is when I am lost, not when I am found.
It’s been so long since I heard something this beautiful. This true.
If you understand it, listen to Hold On Love.
Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I say I don’t love you
Just hold on love
So my head gets a little cloudy
And the drink goes straight to my heart
Then the words come like a runaway train
In the dark
Just hold on love
Even when I scream and fight
Even when I swear I don’t love you
Just hold on tight
And when the darkness falls over
Like a storm cloud in my head
Something inside says it’s easier
To push you away but stay and
Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I swear I don’t love you
Just hold on love
Just hold on love
Just hold on love
A haunting voice tries to catch up with the pace of the melody, but falls short everytime. This is how love is, when we try to match its speed and yet we’re still far behind.
There is peace about this tune, like she knows what she’s talking about. Just hang on, just hang on she says. Everyone says mean things they don’t mean. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. But here, she is blaming it on the synthetic elixirs.
I’d gladly kneel to sing you this song. I’d beg a whole lifetime to have you understand who I really am.
Until I do myself, of course.
Fly a little, the bunched up dove whispers.
The sky is clear, all is well, and you are here.
She is copacetic. Allergic to all things red.
Why does it whimper when the night ends too soon? The stars are all out to play in this winterless safari of sorts.
No better than a clown, feeling its way through beyond the bright, shiny nose.
She is to step out, in perfectly fitting shoes, to accelerate in one of her own soon.
Excitement is near, but the future is far. Still a belief, nevertheless.
Dancers without their heels, prancers without appeal. Moonlight washes over yet again, and sunshine waves the world over.
It’s V day tomorrow. First of its kind, especially for you.
Another season has past and I am still on the steps. Illogical conclusions interweaving dramatic imaginations ultimately leading to disastrous devastations. A pity this beautiful soul still has those wild unicorn clouds above her.
Twisting in and out, some lost, some found. Inertia brings me headon into the clearing, hushing the previous and shrugging off the silent.
A little growl emerges from within. She grips the handles till her knuckles turn green like eggs and ham.
Her fall has been noticed. Someone has dived down to break her fall. As she opens those eyes that say no more, no less, the face she sees is undoubtedly, the best.
Have you felt this before?
This feeling that finally dawns on you, that this is what the truth tastes like. Sinking your teeth into the frosting, biting into what is offered before you.
Take it or leave it. Acceptance, they say.
An epiphany for me, really.
This tranquillity is something that I have never experienced before. Protected by visions of pillows around me, cushioning my every bump and fall. Light as a feather, my mind dances from one to another, counting along with the quiet tocks and silent churns.
Maybe you didn’t know this before. Or maybe I never told you. But this is not the left turn that I was referring to. You have pulled me back onto the straight road, with the horizons right up ahead. I always thought that it would be clear blue. But with you, I’m letting the sunset seep in.
The panic, the emptiness, no longer factors that I have to face.
My suitcase has arrived. Brand new, smells of leather, like the one that always passed me by in the North court. Unzipping it, I realize that I may need another one sooner than I think.
Everyday, I pack a little piece of us into this thing we call ‘luggage’. Something that we lug around as we age, I suppose. It will be filled to the brim I’m sure, with nothing less than the spices from the pots of sugar I never thought would be on sale again.
Until we find a home for this bag, I will continue to cherish it, like I’m packing away a treasure trove of memories that in fact, just began over 65 days ago.
Holding hands have never been this heart-wrenching, when you know that letting go is just a second away; 10 minutes away; a night away before the touch returns.
Matrimonial vows. Perhaps I have never shared the novelty, the music that comes with this union of sorts, because I was never given the hope to imagine. I’m beginning to recognize my needs, my wants, the child that I have supressed for so long to make way for the one he acted like.
After all this, I am still thankful that the surface was never too far away. The light was never too high. The grass was never too green. My life still belonged to me, still mine, still the same, still alive.
It’s surreal still. I have to remind myself that you do exist. That I deserve to be loved too. Like all the hearts in the world.
Betrayal is subjective; it can appear in many forms. He no longer bothers the silent river, because insignificance is ideal at this moment in time.
Sometimes, I do reflect on the past. Nostalgia hits me like the barren wind, but you must recognize this not as yearning. Memories, they stay strangely in place waiting for moments that will remind you of them. The peaceful ones draw you back in time, lulling you to sleep and departure into the world of imageries. The sad ones, sadly bring no benefit, only existing to remind you that you’re human, after all.
I don’t remember when was the last time, holidays came with such anticipation. Freedom found, life is no longer wasted with trepidations and unwanted conversations.
Everything that I’ve longed to see, to have and to hold. They are right beside me now.
As you are.
Nothing means more than this carpeted path, this veil, this kiss and the silver spoon.
As you are, my dear. As you are.
