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33. Just a while more, she said. Hang on. Hold up. Don’t lose your way.
For romance, he said
Well I was there on the day
They sold the cause for the queen,
And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen.
I hate the ending myself,
But it started with an alright scene.
I’ve chosen to waste my time. And so it has been wasted.
I’ve chosen to take the time for you. And so I’m left with less.
It was the roar of the crowd
That gave me heartache to sing.
It was a lie when they smiled
And said, “you won’t feel a thing”
I’ve heard all that I need. It’s all the same. It’ll always be the same. You’ll never change. And neither will I.
You’re just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I’m wrong,
This never meant nothing to you
I’m running away with my thoughts. My being. My smiles. I’m saving it all up for the left I’m going to turn. It’s all a waste, if I keep saving them for you don’t you think?
So go, go away, just go, run away.
But where did you run to? And where did you hide?
Go find another way, for another price to pay
I guess I’ve taken it out too much on you. Not many asks. Even you don’t. But I know you’re waiting to hear all that I’ve got. Everyday you’re waiting. I never really have the time for you nowadays, I know. Filling you up with songs from my head, singing along as I tell you my complaints and the stories I’ve painted with my life.
I’m slowly forgetting to wonder where you’ve been or where you’re going. After all, it is no longer something I need to know. This dying ember knows no end. But it will dim in time, nevertheless.
I will never regret you. But everyone needs to grow up. Neverland still wants my return, but I can’t make it back there alone. It’s cold and it’s scary and I’m still me. The world seems so big compared to the sadness in me. But it’s slowly dissipating. No longer strength to stay.
But I’m a-okay with it. I’m sure there are better things to think about. Better things to do and see and taste and feel.
Yeah, you caught me off guard with your surprises. But it amounts to nothing when it comes and goes. Who am I kidding? Just me I guess. No one’s living in this world but me.
Without what you did, I wouldn’t have met all of you. I wouldn’t have lost. I wouldn’t have gained. I wouldn’t have ran. I wouldn’t have fallen. And ran again.
Sometimes, all this makes me want to laugh out loud. And that is when I know I’m ready to love me again. To detach myself and breathe from afar.
I’m celebrating this break. Breaking free, instead of breaking down.
Hello Thursday.
I don’t know why it made me feel that way. Not too many nights of worries, impossible that has caused the recurrence.
I want to tell you, but well, you’re too busy.
This nightmare will not go away if you don’t come back. The end of the year is approaching, and I can’t wait till the next.
A little glitch, and I slowly fade. No more running, no more chasing after the blue, the clear and the ripples.
In other words, anytime he said. Anytime I’ll fall flat. Black out. Excruciating.
*pop*
Or maybe I’m just putting ‘em in his mouth. This is a blog after all, and I can exaggerate if I want to. Most of time, it’s inevitable.
Like what you said, pain fuels me.
I don’t know how else to live than to be with pain. Pain makes everything else so much more real. It makes me know what love is. It brings life closer to my heart.
Cherish. So many things to see and do. No wonder they have those books, 1001 things to discover before you die.
Who is to say you need to do this and that? What’s important to me, is surely not important to you and him and her. Set my priorities straight and I’ll soon find out.
Wake me from this sleep, coz’ I’m struggling to live.
Yes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
If I had more in me, I would’ve nodded, opened my arms, and beckoned.
But the sad truth is that I don’t.
I don’t, and I never will.
This is a flaw I haven’t been able to erase. I see this cycle going nowhere and I, doing nothing.
I can say that it’s not fear, but I am afraid.
I can say that I don’t mind, but I do.
Hope you understand, but I don’t.
Things move too quickly, disappearing, changing. Some, I can’t seem to grasp.
A past I refuse to think about, because it makes me sick of who I am. No explanations, like the pain that’s coming back.
I don’t know how to go on any way else. I’m not going to, because I don’t want to.
How can I say otherwise? Gradual is not the way to go. Even if it’s a soft landing, it’s still a fall. Like eternity to hell.
I can’t be where you are. I can’t be who I’m not. I can’t change what my heart insists on telling me. I’ll go at it alone, because I know I have to. I’ve got to get through this. I’ve got to.
I’ve never questioned much. If that’s the way you want it, I know better than to pull you otherwise. You know what’s good for you. I can try, I’ll never give up, but in here, I know that’s what you want for now. Give it time, everything needs time. Nothing is perfect, but at least you’re still here.
Perhaps you’ve lived for too long without this. But I just got started.
This dull pain, I don’t know how long it will last.
How long I will last.
I could be experiencing a different kind of eating disorder. Non-stop, that is. And this pain on my right seems to come back every night.
If I’m dying of some uncurable disease, I might not know it yet. I’m still hanging onto life, whatever it takes.
40 is not enough. 25 is worse still.
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
How can loving someone be enough to make you happy? This of course, is not taking into account whether he loves you in return. If thoughts of you make me smile and I can’t go on without thinking of you every little while, does it mean this is happiness? Does love equals happiness?
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you’d gone
and let the world spin madly on
If this pain comes back, I’m going to have to take a breather. Reassess my goals. 100 or nothing. Even if I’m willing to go to where the angels are, I’m not ready yet. I’d like to see from above, but there’s so much more now.
In those eyes, they are searching for a sign of life.
What they need most, is the human touch.
No, toys won’t do. Books are just for reading. Parents, a family, a home they can call their own. Nothing of that sort.
What is a bucket of food to you? RM10 worth of party favours. And you’re requesting for help when you don’t need any. Why choose this path if you have no intentions of sharing? A start is a start. But you’ve got to start somewhere.
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still
Good night world.
Have I really been living in my own world all this while?
Joggers knocked senseless. Surgery gone wrong. Plastic leading to our eventual death.
Everyday, a thousand pages go by while I sit and stare.
A million words exchanged, yet I hear nothing.
Even the best fall down sometimes.
Imagining myself, 20 years down the road, still thinking the same thoughts, putting up the same face and living the same life. What’s there not to love? Soon, it will be halfway to my mid life crisis.
What’s waking me up everyday, do I know? The world keeps spining, the light keeps changing, but I’m back at square one.
Though I never understood the difference between this, and the full circle they always talk about. Repetition makes us remember, but only by force. What’s natural, doesn’t really exist anyway.
Pick it up put it down throw it and come back. We may get our dailies this way, but our worries are far from this.
Next week. I’ll see you next week.
What if, there’s not even later? Much less tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder why we wait, when the moment is now.
I’m curious about the secret. I see thought and reason behind it all. I do believe that life can be conquered with careful strategy and planning. Most fail because they refuse to wait. Ask one from the other, and he will say that he’d rather keep something, anything at all than end up with nothing.
Bread, stale bread is better than going hungry. How sad.
48. That is the lapse I’m taking. Remember how we used to count the days?
I realised I forgot.
It’s too late baby, there’s no turning around
I’ve got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud
This is how I do
When I think about you
I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile in a hole in my heart
You want to get inside
Then you need to get in line
But not this time
Cause you caught me off guard
Now I’m running and screaming
Just like I always do.
Well whatdya know. Sleep does help.
Have a good cry. Then sleep.
It works.
For now at least.
How I brought about this pain, I do not know. It’s there, I can feel it. Yet I can’t describe it well. It’s very much like somebody has grabbed onto my heart, squeezing it tightly, without letting go.
The most difficult thing is when you can’t tell someone how much you miss them at the very second that you miss them. I’m holding back, because I’m afraid that it’ll scare you away. I’m bottling it up, because I don’t want to lose you again.
How do I make this feeling go away? With tonnes of work on my back, I wish I could just curl up in my bed and let time pass me by. That it’ll be okay when the lonely afternoon whizzes past and I’m at one with the night again.
I know good things come to those who wait. I couldn’t wait, because I had been waiting for so long. All I wanted was to have you near, that feeling of content, of satisfaction that finally I’m back here with you.
I never give up. Like I said, I have more hope in this world than any two or three person combined for the rest of their lives. I’ll fall, I’ll gladly fall again. And I’ll wait, if I have to wait for a life time.
It is not an endless journey, when you know what you’re searching for. When you have this map and an X that marks the spot, you know that it is only a matter of time before you find it. No worries, none at all. The wait is unbearable at times, but I know the treasure is priceless. It is worth more than anything in this world, more than you and me, more than life itself.
It is love, and love is wonderful.
I ask eventhough I know the answer. Is it because I don’t understand? Perhaps we should really talk it through without any qualms whatsoever. Just over coffee, tea, ice cream anything.
I spoke only of the truth last night. If I told you anything else was my source of happiness, I would’ve been lying. I know it is you, because without you there is none. This is how I know, as silly as it seems. We can’t control our feelings and our emotions, and I wish not to hide. I can put on a strong demeanor, a straight face. But with you, I just want to be me.
I want to crumple in your arms and say that I miss you, that I’ve always missed you and that I’ll always miss you, till the day I have no more life in me.
Truth. We hold back from it because we simply can’t find the heart to say it right.
Why do we disguise our words, when all we want to is to speak our mind? Perhaps the very reason why euphemism exists.
It puts hope back into life. Masking underlying problems, softening the fall.
It makes us think, never relying on what is and what’s not.
We somehow become more human. Or so it seems.
It can’t be like what it was. But who’s to say that something better isn’t waiting for me beyond tonight?
I’m not making believe. It’s real. Even after the words have come and gone, your life still lingers on. Every breath, every touch.
Sometimes, it feels like I’m running into thin air. Grabbing the oxygen. Hugging transparency.
Imagine waking up to dreams that are better off real.
The only time I ever spend alone is with you, my confidante. I don’t expect you to say anything, or let me know that you understand. Just lay still, and let me speak my fears, my hopes, my dreams, and all of me.
I can’t count
Stars in the sky
Or climb the mountains
I can’t even swim all the seas
But I know
Absence is unfair
Nothing can replace what I miss
‘Cause I’m breathing
Far away from you
And every second feels like thousands more without you
Like the North needs the South
The wind needs the clouds
To all of these reasons of life
I need you.
It meant a lot to me just by you being there. I wasn’t expecting, but you did it anyway. A cushion in the storm. A bed on the plane. It’s like heaven, when you’re near.
Indeed, my soul is bigger whenever I’m my own. Louder voice, coloured personality. Jokes aside, there is so much more than this.
We all fall. We all fall at least once. But I don’t think I can fall again.
This year has been chaotic. For all of us.
Love gone, love found, love gone again. Lies, winter chills, identity crises, suffocation, betrayal and death.
When life leaves, a part of you dies too.
Thankfully, there’s just 53 days left. I believe that the sun’s over in 2008.
And we’ll be ready to greet it when it shines.
In short, I expected the unexpected. We don’t see things coming until they are too near for us to hit the brakes.
We can’t turn back. Change who we are. The best we can do is look forward, and begin this journey anew.
I never thought this time would come again. Fighting it, I had been. But it’s so much easier to just let go and fall.
I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment
For the rest of our lives
It calms my fears to just know that you still exist. When work is too much to take, you’re my only salvation.
This may break me, save me, I may crash and burn. But I’m willing to find out what happens next.
Courage is the only thing that conquers. We have to keep pushing, taunting, daring. We know no limits, until we stop trying.
Some words, once you’ve said, you can never really forget. Your mind tells your heart to remember, because you believed in it once. Forever, forever it said.
I may not have known what it was then, but you taught me how.
Even now, it is only with you that I can define it for what it truly is.
I don’t want to ask, because I’m afraid to spoil the magic. I’m willing to wait to see which trick will come out of the hat next.
Nothing is worse than wanting to reach out to something so near, yet have your heart block it out with this wall you’re made to believe will shield you from all future harm.
We hope we’ll get a lil’ smarter each time we trip. I think I’m just getting sillier.
But sometimes, silly is all we can be. It’s all I know of myself.
It’s something I don’t want to change, because I love me.
I’m accepting myself as I am because I don’t know how to be anyone else.
But it’s okay.
Our lives are changing.
Right before my very eyes.
We’re all dying.
In our own melancholic way.
Is this what we’ve worked so hard for? Those gruelling years of blackboards, pencils and paper.
If onlyI had known life was going to be this way.
Breathless, without a better reason.
And I can’t help you, if I don’t know what’s wrong. Sometimes you cower in your shell and try to shut the world out with an okay, but it’s not alright. I want to tell you so much that it’s okay, it’s alright, we won’t judge you, nobody will.
But I know you have your reasons to let it slip. It takes a while to warm up to a situation huh?
What are we all waiting for actually?
What are you hoping for? Someone to break the ice?
No, it won’t crack when we lay still.
Waiting. Everyone is just waiting.
For you, for me, for him, for her.
Sometimes I wonder, why we even wait when we know the answer.
Because we can’t go on living without that glimmer of hope we keeping covering up for ourselves?
We all fear that our fears will eventually come true. Even dreams do right?
I want to believe. I want to, more than anything.
But as the clock crept slowly past it’s expired date, I am force to give up.
Maybe you didn’t forget.
Maybe, I did.
