You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2007.
Don’t touch her there, she’s blindfolded
She remembers on the bus
Into my heart
Don’t remember
Like you left us without notice
Now you’ve come back
Like you left us
Like you owe us
Into my heart
It’s not me, it can’t be
It’s not you
I can’t do what I do if it’s you
This is not happening
Don’t touch her there, she told me
She remembers how it felt
Don’t touch her there, he watched her
She knew his look, from behind
When she came home for Christmas.
God has given me the opportunity to be happy, when I prayed for what I did.
If this is what it takes to make me realise, I am glad it happened. Who am I kidding?
Bursting through the surface, I am gasping for air. I don’t need a float, I can swim perfectly well. I will fall behind, only because I’m tired.
Let me sleep. It’s been so long since I did. 7-8 hours are no longer enough. For I have aged.
I will not let these tears break me. As I have been responsible for myself all these years. Sometimes, we become someone we hate, because we think that the world revolves around us.
I thank you God, for giving me these cardboard boxes to pack away the pain, the past. Please send me more, so I can continue packing and make space for the new things in my life.
Nothing’s real, until you let go completely.
Welcome what tomorrow brings. What will tomorrow bring?
The tide is crashing back onto shore. It is pulling me with it. I’m reaching out, calling, shouting. But no one hears me.
The missing pieces are matching up on their own. Everyday as a part of me die, another part is reborn. There is no difference. I have not changed.
I still want the same things. I am still that girl of 83. You’ve given me so much. Now I can’t do anything but to ask the same of others.
I am ashamed for the things that I long for. Ashamed of what I expect – the little, the nitty gritty, perhaps even the materialistic. And this is because I cannot forget the red carpet I once walked on.
I have 3 choices.
One, which is ideal, would cure this suffocation. It will save one, but hurt another.
Two, will bring me deeper into hesitation and doubt. It will save one, but submerge me underwater.
Three, is a risk, a mysterious path that will lead to nowhere, back to square one, even. It might save two, but hurt the innocent.
And it is precisely because I don’t know where I stand, who I am, or what I want, that makes it so damn difficult to pinpoint my finger on one.
We never really appreciate the things laid out in front of our eyes, till they’re all but gone with the wind. I long for a little pancake and a soft cone, a smile in the breeze and a warm hug.
Change is constant. When we change our minds, we inevitably affect the people we love and care for. Each person is responsible for a million others, that’s why it’s so damn difficult to decide.
The heart of my heart is buried deep within my soul. It was dead, the moment you walked away. The only way to resurrect me, my life and one smile that is undoubtedly genuine, is by meeting perfection again.
Once, she was a princess. Now she has seen the world and stands on her own two feet. The only reason she’d give herself to you, is when she is no less a Queen.
Feelings come and go. Those that linger, those are what you should pay attention to. It’s a little like an aroma that encircles you, tempting you forward for a taste.
Alone. Perhaps we were meant to be alone. Because we bring to much pain to those who loves us still.
No one else will know these lonely dreams.
No one else will know this part of you. I have given up. And you should too.
It’s not meant to be. It felt right. Once. But now, it’s over. Over and done with.
If God brings one saint to every person, you have been the opposite of mine. No doubts, it is through you that I’ve learnt to live again. To climb back up from the bottomless pit. Without a steady foothold even. But I survived.
The journey is endless I know. It is not complete yet. I’m taking a little step at a time, with the help of my angel eyes. I am learning to walk a different route. And you should too, since you always have.
Time will never erase these scars deeply embedded within my soul. Beyond believe, you have wrecked my aspirations, my dreams, the only life that I knew. It’s a little like putting all my eggs in a basket, handing them to you in trust only to have you let go and send the innocent crashing down to reality.
A pity really.
Yes indeed, it is too late. Too late to say that you’ll be someone you can never be.
It is when you can no longer tell what are lies and what are not, that you cease to desire the things you once said you would die for.
Trust, good ol’ trust, is earned. Earned not through a million apologies, a heartfelt word, or a simple phone call, but through the practice of truth, responsiblity, humility and the human touch of sincerity.
I can’t help you anymore. Because I can’t help myself either. I trust in Him to bring you faith. I did not intend for my prayers to bring you pain.
Only what it feels like to be me.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
I can forgive you. For all the pain in this world that I had to deal with. Alone.
But I’ll never forget.
Never.
Never.
You left a hole in my heart. That’s what she said. And I couldn’t help thinking that you did the same to me. This hole that will never disappear. My heart that would never be the same again.
My emotions were my sanctuary. But you robbed me of them. I was left tattered, in rags, with no home that would take me for who I had become.
I thought love had left me for good. That it would never find me again. Because what I had believed in all along, turned out to be one big joke.
Why now? Why not before?
Perhaps, you had to take your time, because the girl you once knew would’ve waited forever, like how she waited every night without a word of complaint. Just waiting to shower you with love and respect and hugs and kisses. Which you turned away from.
Till today, I do not know what took you from me. Unexplainable, because you don’t even understand it yourself.
To watch the leaves grow on the trees with you
Is out of question
I walk into this summer all alone
The usual session
You feel your instinct then you act
But was it your intention?
To leave me down and broken
Now you’ve ended our ascension
In my life, you’ve redefined the words promise and forever. They no longer mean something to me, because I’m afraid of losing what little hope that I have left in me. You made me believe. And I did. We did.
I still can feel the beach sand in my shoes
Remember when?
We talked along the ocean’s song
‘Til blue from black fade in
But that was then I learned to live
Without you far within
I ask you why you’re back to try
To let me lose again
Some things you just know. Some say it’s too fast. But I say, why wait? It is when you hesitate, that you lose the things most precious to you. A moment gone is a moment lost.
You brought me here
You wet my taste
You disappear
Without a trace
It wasn’t me who made the call
It wasn’t me. I can’t go back, because this is life.
Nobody will ever know what it’s like, until they have tasted pain upon their lips. The bark that breaks when it’s the only thing you have to hold on to. The shoes that trip you over even when you’re only walking.
Because you don’t know what it’s like, it is my responsibility to let you. You made this choice sir, you live with it. After all, you dealt the cards and told me that I had to live with my hand, for better or worse. That I had to stick through it alone, that you can’t be there anymore. Because you just didn’t want to. No longer, no longer the person I loved.
You had me comparing everyone to you. Because I had not known perfection till 6 years ago. You shaped me into you, and now I have to deal with it.
A while ago, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t move forward. I secretly prayed that this day will come, that you would say just that.
This is the biggest mistake of my life.
It was a fantasy. The only assurance that there was nothing wrong with me.
And now, I have closed my eyes. With my back turned, my toes are at the edge of the cliff. My arms, I have them wrapped around me. I am wearing a soft, white gown. Cotton perhaps. Black, my hair is once again black as the wind gently blows it. In the direction of my destiny.
I am letting go. I can hear the silence. The peace. Freefall. I am about to freefall. It is time. You know how bungee jumpers let go? That is how I’m going to do it. If no one is there to catch me, it’s alright. I have me. I always have me.
With this fall, this plunge, my sadness will go with it. My fears, my doubts, my pain.
I’m sorry that it has to be this way. That I can’t say it’s okay, I’m here, it’s okay. That I can no longer wait for you to reappear again. That we can no longer share a laugh, or a tear, or a future. That I can no longer sing, for you.
I have to do this, because this is life, sir. One has to be responsible for his actions. There is no erasing the past when you wait for too long. Perhaps, this is the only way I can ensure you won’t kill another heart. No one person deserves to feel the sting of your slice. No one.
If this is what it takes, to be apart, to have you change for the better, then I have no regrets. Living a life without you is something different, something strange. The right thing, indeed, is the hardest thing ever.
I have stopped asking why. Because you are but a figment of my imagination. I dreamt you into reality. And now you have to take your leave.
I cannot have you in here anymore. Anything that you occupy, takes a little piece of my life away from me. You took Sundays away. He gave them back to me. He, whom I’d never have met, if it wasn’t for you. But you took it away again today. That’s when I know this has to stop.
It’s a little ironic. You, who would never give up your friends to share a smile with me.
And him, who has lost them because he chose us.
I suppose, I can still hear you from a distance. Funny, that’s why it felt weird today.
But sir, happiness should have no reservations. And if anyone can keep you away from it, this is how we know we can’t be with that person. Anymore.
That’s it. You don’t want to tell me. But I know. Now.
Jimmy says: I’m sorry everyday.
Silly me. I guess it’s bland obvious. Not really territorial, like I thought.
He found out the hard way that he felt for you.
Nobody will really know this, except for you. If I had another chance, I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell you first. But, things might’ve turned out differently anyway.
I did what my heart told me to do. Something made me hold back. Perhaps to see your colours. And you have taken the bait.
I’m sorry that I pushed you in a corner. I gave you no time to run. To hide. In your room alone, that’s when it’s the hardest, I know.
Friendship is fragile enough as it is, without interweaving with love-forsaken reasons.
Love. It takes one to find it forever. Some may never find it. Picky. Uncertain. Confused.
You just know. Sometimes, you just now.
As long as you’re happy.
Happiness is another reason why we do the things we do. That is our goal. Every little gesture, every word, is done for happiness.
When we hesitate, when we pause, that is when our heart tell us something is not right. That whatever we are planning to do may not result in our happiness at all.
That’s why you didn’t make a move right?
We are only human. I am only 24. Our definitions of friendship, now I know, is entirely different.
If you knew.
If only you knew the true values of friendship, which you claimed you did.
Because this feeling is right. Because I’ve found you. Finally.
I can’t describe why the wheels turned so quickly. Ahead. The distance becoming the present. The past fading away into oblivion.
For the first time since I remembered, I accepted charity into my heart. A small RM10 note, because you said it would help keep a child alive. I never really believed in this before. But now, I have a reason to. I have a reason to keep the world alive, perfect, peaceful. I want the good deeds to bring good luck to you.
Can’t wait!
Some reasons just turn up, for no good reason at all. It’s like waking up smiling, thinking that it was from your dream. But more like, from the subconscious that you have forgotten to remember.
Sweetness. You have to taste sweetness before you know how to describe it. For someone with type 2 Diabetes, they know what it’s like to lose the sweetness they enjoyed.
But I’m asking myself now, have I tasted this before? Why is it slowly changing me? Why is it bringing me out from my misery, driving me away from the lonely gas station, telling me to take this road, this road that leads uphill?
Sweetness. This is what it is. I thought I knew what happiness was. I thought I had been the happiest. But that all shattered and went away. Right now, I’ve been blessed with the set of real pearls that I never expected.
Yes, I’ve prayed for a better strand. South Sea, Akoya maybe. But these, these are genuine Tahitian; the most exotic, the most beautiful. Especially in my eyes.
I have a fear. That I’ll wake up soon, not remembering this sweetness. Not tasting anymore. That you’ll go away too, like he who promised not to.
Some dreams, some dreams can come true. Because of you, I’m believing again.
Good things come to those who wait.
I’m here. I’m now. I’m ready.
It’s been too long since I smiled with sincerity, on my own. My face is no longer wearing the mask of indifference. I am human. I am a girl of 24, not a toy, not a plaything for your emotions, your judgements, your decisions that do not include me.
All my life, where have you been?
I’m tempted to run my fingers through the water on the lake. Send a ripple through our reflections. Even in the cold, dark night, the stars try their best to shine just to let me know that I am not alone. If you ask, I’ll take your hand.
Safe and warm, like my favourite pillow. I’ll think of you all day, counting the hours when I can climb back into the scent of your arms.
I could fall asleep in those eyes. I could melt, and I have. I knew, since that candlelit night.
I’ll take me forever to know. Discovery, is a beautiful thing. I’ve never discovered something so precious, so fragile. And now, I can’t let you go. I can’t stop hearing your voice. I can’t remember when a minute passed without clearing my mind with your eyes.
Breathless. Sometimes these minutes are unbearable. It’s like, a little fish without water. The sight of you lifts me up, and drops me back into the sea. You’ve even took the time to built a castle for me.
The sky is blue now. It’s alright. I’m here. If the clouds threaten to take away that laugh that I love, I’ll pray that the sun blows away these tears.
These tears, I promise, will never come again.
We’ll make it through. Mountain climbing. Ferris-wheeling. Skinny dipping. Beach-combing. With you, with you. When the world doesn’t care for the craziness of ours, we’ll try and try again together.
I’ll see you soon.
Time, like the circus, is moving away so quickly. I can barely catch a glimpse of the tent. I can hear the crowd. Smell the popcorn. Taste the cotton candy. If they must leave, who I am to ask?
Rustling. Like whistles in the wind, my voice followed yours. For the first time, after a long, long time, my voice found a home. Like it was meant to be heard, listened.
I spend a lot of time, pondering about life. Because mine has never really belonged to me until now. Sometimes, maturity has made me ruthless. Identifying a target would mean a greenlight for me. A part of me whispers life is short. If you don’t take what you want, this is how your life is going to be. With peace, yet without harmony.
I won’t always love these selfish things.
I won’t always live.
You know this changes everything, don’t you?
This forlorn look in her eyes. She is dreaming of a better tomorrow. Her heart is soaring. Thumping even.
Criss-crossed. It’s been forever since she’s felt this way. Her mind is a whirl. Her smile, a pity. Because the world is at her feet, if only she knew.
Not a minute passes, when she doesn’t stop recalling the words, the eyes.
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
What am I doing?
Keeping warm. Going to places where my heart has never been. Trusting the song of my heart. Listening to it for once. Without waiting, without stopping.
I didn’t know this could happen. I wished, but it never crossed my mind. I saw you. I saw you long before you saw me.
I never thought I could go back to this state. The slumber had gone on, for a long, long time.
Maybe I’m just silly. Putting meanings into words and words into mouths. It has been a long and lonely fight. But now, I’ve found you.
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
If someone would ask me, I wouldn’t know how to explain why I asked you. It wasn’t because he stopped. More like, because I started.
Our breaths exchanged places. Sideways, I fell into you. And I could feel this hole in my heart seal up.
I survived it through pure and sure. These 4 months, there was no rush. I made my way, slowly in the dark. Numerous blindfolds. I made it through. I stumbled. I almost fell. I tripped. I almost died. But now I know, why I was told to wait.
You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
She shakes her head in disbelief. This is a dream. Dreams are real only as long as they last. But this is my dream. And if I can’t do anything else right, I’ll make sure this one lasts.
I don’t know how I should tell this to you. Why I didn’t know? Because, I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready, as yet. Because that wasn’t you. And now, you’ve positioned yourself in a vulnerable state. I can’t break this to you. Not now.
If I’m lost in my own world, this makes it more real, more real than anything I’ve ever felt.
Why is it, that it only takes a second to fall in love? A lifetime, to forget.
It was the perfect setting. Candles. Candles were burning. It was cold, but your concerns encircled my arms, like a quilt that didn’t know what ephemeral meant.
I wasn’t lying. I do like to eat. And eat a lot. But I couldn’t take another bite, because these butterflies, these butterflies came home last night. They silently fluttered, as I silently watched you.
If life was like this, I’d let it go on for eternity. I wished the rain would never stop.
You know how some songs can really just move you?
Yes.
And I didn’t know that thinking of you could move me to tears. Right now. After just once.
I hope this will help. I’ve clarified matters, because it’s my fault. Fortunately, my instinct proves me right. And it’s okay. It’s okay now.
You know what blogs are for right? Another avenue to tell someone something.
I always held back, whenever someone asks about mine. Because I didn’t want them to compare me to Kenny Sia, like you did. You made me afraid that what I wrote could drive depression and aggravate suicides. I was afraid to let someone know me for me. Because I’d think they wouldn’t love me then.
I was afraid to let people know how I felt inside. The dark, the melancholic. But you know, everyone has a right to be loved for who they are.
When I write these frustrations on this wall of mine, I cannot care if the audience likes what they read. The best graffitis, of course are those that are beautiful. If mine are filled with vulgarity, please remember that these are frustrations. Not poems. Not stories.
You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
It’s a little too soon. To go crazy over this. But it seems that this is extraordinary.
I just hope that you feel the same way too.
I feel like lazing around tonight. At least, it’s another one of those where I don’t have to worry about completing something.
It seems that everytime I shower, I’ll think of some brilliant analogies.
Immediately after I was wheeled out from the theatre, I could feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks.
It’s okay, they said. You’re alright.
I survived, I thought.
Like I woke up from a bad dream. I couldn’t remember what it felt like. To be exposed. To be messed up unconscious. At least I had my eyes closed.
Back in the safety of the designated bed, I continued whimpering. The pain was suddenly too much to bear. I could feel it strike every corner of my abdomen. I couldn’t make it stop.
Her pressure is really high, she said. Hello! OF COURSE it is.
Something inside my head told me that I didn’t know why I was crying. I just couldn’t stop. Like I had to let it out or something.
It’s the stress, she said. About you and him. Hmm. Maybe.
Then they left. And I fell asleep.
When I opened my eyes, I saw him beside me. Relief flooded my veins. I am not alone on this. He is here. Right beside me.
Then the unthinkable happened. My body had a repulsive reflex. I could feel the emptiness within threaten to throw up. Oh no, not again, I thought. Not me, not this time.
So I held the urge down. I held it in. While he continued to flip through the magazine. He knew it was coming. So he was calm.
The aneastetic was leaving my body. My body was rejecting something toxic. It can’t leave in an instant. After this wave of nausea passed, I fell into another deep sleep.
I woke up, thinking that it was all over. I could even smile and chat. We talked for a little bit. Cozied up. Then it came back. I felt it ripping through my bones. It was all I could do not to fall off the bed. Make it go away! I screamed silently. Leave me alone!
This fight wasn’t going to be easy. It needed time. Uncontrollable even. It thrashed my soul around. I think he held my hand for a little while, I couldn’t remember. I just wanted this to stop.
Not easy. Not easy at all. My body couldn’t get used to it. A part of me wanting it to leave, so I can have my peace. But the insides wanted it to stay. Tension of the opposites. Wanting to let go, wanting to hold on.
Slowly. Slowly I held it under. Like it never happened at all. I still hadn’t had anything to eat for over 18 hours. Not even water. He would stay only until someone else came over.
The memory of these moments. How they seem to reflect what goes through my mind these past few days. That my body just needs some getting used to. It’s rejecting the change. It’s making things difficult. But it just needs a little pep talk. I can get through this. I know I deserve better. And I will find it.
I may be falling the wrong way. Who knew I’d meet you half way crossing. Perhaps we’ll choose the same path? A lot more in common than I thought.
They’ll kill me if they knew.
