You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2007.
I’m riding the waves. Going slow. Having my ups. And then the downs.
I wake up, wanting to go back to sleep. Climb into bed, wanting to see what tomorrow brings.
It’s a little funny, what the wee hours of the morning will bring me. 48 hours. And there you go again.
I thought I didn’t know you anymore. And yet, and yet I do.
Please don’t be confused. The big C is a difficult state. Confucious will forever be linked to this disease. It took him forever to get out. I’m still trying to hold onto the raft that stopped to help.
Sometimes, we choose a path because we want greater things. We’re adults, we make decisions based on carefully calculated consequences. Eenie meenie minie moe is no longer an option. Once we step on the accelerator, the car moves forward.
But this is not a car.
This is life. We cannot reverse to what we’ve passed. The passengers we left behind. They will stay there forever. Some will try to follow. Eventually, they will take other exits, other routes.
The only signboards we know, are the ones in our head. When we make a decision, we cannot expect to have the U-turn up ahead for safety measures.
Life is not like the computer games I’ve wasted hours on. If we step into a pot hole and lose a life, we can’t go back to where we last saved. No, the show must go on. For better or worse.
Nothing waits. Everything changes.
Fill these spaces up with days
In my room you can go you can stay
I can’t sleep.
I can’t speak to you.
Now these years locked on my drawer
I’ll open to see just to be sure
I can’t sleep.
I can’t speak to you.
Hold my wine hold it in
Nobody’s lost but nobody wins
It is a dream. You are but a dream. Dreams, eventually vanish. As we grow up and realise what’s real and what’s not, we discover that Santa’s never coming home. There is no use putting out the cookies and the milk. There is no use for hope. Because he has none to give.
I’ve listened. I’ve been obedient even. I’ve done everything you said. But there comes a time when I’ll just have to do things because I want to do ‘em.
If I want to go on, I’ll have to stay awake. There is no looking back.
I’ve got my seat belt fastened. I’ve yet to learn to drive. But I’ll find my way.
Milk thistle will be good for me.
I’ve got a little dread in me. Each time I stare in the mirror, or even when I think of it.
I’m scared. That this will be the start of it all. As I looked back, it never used to be this way.
I just hope I’m not doing something wrong. Perhaps she’s right. I should just stop everything.
Please, please let it heal.
If you prayed for courage, does God give it to you?
Or does He give you the opportunity to be courageous?
If you prayed for happiness, does He make you happy?
Or does He give you the opportunity to be happy?
Think about it. Freeman is right.
Many opportunities go by. We just see over the water. Not what’s in front, two steps ahead.
Sometimes, I’m at a loss. I don’t know what I’m praying for. I breeze through the routine like it’s just another routine.
Closer. Closer.
I don’t know if I’m hoping for something to blossom out of this. There were the moments. But it seems, they were just that.
There’re so many things I want to tell you.
And I think you feel the same way too.
Somehow, you’ve given me the willpower to hang on.
With you, I believe.
I don’t know, but I think you want me to come along.
I do too.
I’m slowing down. I’m breathing a little more. It hasn’t been crossing my mind that much lately.
Am I getting acne because there’s no love in my life?
Of course not. Just look at Milla.
Hehe.
Cheers to a great weekend ahead.
The past washed over me.
Over 10 U-turns. Highways. And millions of road signs that led to nowhere we wanted to be. Not to forget, the bickerings at the front seat.
It’s like they wouldn’t let us go. Till we said we didn’t want to. Funny, how things come about when you least expect it to.
Then I realised that I couldn’t let anyone in.
One knock. Two. Three knocks. I can’t let anyone in, because there’s still someone here.
You’ve always wanted to leave. But I didn’t have the heart to let you.
You found ways to climb through the window. You had my room ransacked. My life in a mess. And still I harboured a hope that my love was enough for the both of us.
Now, I think it’s time I pushed you out the back door. Your reasons, they’ve gone way past the limit. I have been blind. Now I want to see again.
The knocks won’t persist forever. And if I were to open the door, I’d like you to leave first.
It’ll take all my willpower and some more to do this sweep. I need you to get out, because you no longer belong here.
When the only things I can remember are the scars, I think that’s proof enough to let you go. Two hearts, this soul has diminished.
I can’t let it mess with my head anymore. It’s a yes, or it’s a no. You don’t have the luxury to get away with maybes anymore.
You know how much we loved him so. After how much we cared for him.
I know why you’re hurting for me. Because you never did see it coming.
I shielded your wrongs. I exaggerated your rights. I wanted it perfect in my eyes. Because I knew it existed before.
But you used up all your love. Too soon, too fast.
I still can’t believe how I could’ve been so naive. I was this close to losing it. But, I’m pulling back the reins.
I don’t know where this is going to go. It’s been a while since I felt this way. I am afraid too, that I’m making another mistake.
Who would you choose? Someone that you loved, but made you sad. Or someone that you liked, who could make you happy. Love, or happiness? Don’t they come hand in hand anymore?
And then it dawned on me that the short film I made, was a prophecy into my future. I do, if only. Shit.
Well, here goes.
Spoiled.
It never occurred to me before.
They drive out an inch earlier, because I can’t.
They’re afraid, because I’m not.
Butterfly.
I’ll catch you if I have to.
For blue, blue skies.
These notes in my ears. And these scars on my face.
Stress? *shrugs*
I’ve been wondering, if the songs I listen to affects how I am. Melancholic, because they are? Downright inconsolable, like they are.
The pages are finally taking shape. Over 26 of them in one month.
Sometimes, it’s the weight on my shoulders to do everything at once.
I’ve had…enough.
Of this parade.
I’m thinking…of.
The words to say.
As the journey ends, I find myself drifting off without listening to a word. I cannot find the willpower to respond. I can only smile. We share a life. One fate. At times, even one voice. But my heart is no longer home. The food, I taste. Coffee, I know it’s there. You’ll always be here. But I’m gone.
Second glance
A second chance.
We’re most comfortable when we’re with the past that we love. Familiarity is soothing. But how many of us wants to bring the old into the future? Baggage, they call it.
Maybe we could start anew. That would be ideal. Move to a new home. A new life. Many we will forget. But the most important: not each other.
Wait a minute.
I think your looks attract a lot of jinjang Joes.
What the heck?
Because you’re sweet.
Pffffft.
Are you waiting? Because I can’t tell. Even if you stand still, I won’t find you. Too far away it seems. I can’t catch up. I don’t know what you’re thinking. I don’t know you. Anymore.
Why did she tell me? A word of caution? What do I make out of it?
As life goes on I’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility.
And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me.
So I want to take this time out to apologise for things that I’ve done.
Things that haven’t occurred yet. And things that they don’t want to take responsibility for.
Christmas seems far away, even though it’s just 4 lightyears ahead.
I’m wishing on a star. And trying to believe. That even though it’s far. He’ll find me Christmas Eve. I guess that Santa’s busy. Cause he’s never come around. But I think of him. When Christmas comes to town.
W.h.e.r.e. a.r.e. w.e.?
The Sunday morning after. It’s been months since I didn’t return home for the night. As my eyes closed, I could hear the whispers next to me. Strangers not so far away, friends behind a slice of wall.
After all this, you were right.
The epiphany, you saw it first. I was never wrong about you. You’re all that I’ve always thought you to be. I cannot agree with the way you’ve turned my life around. But I know it is one way for me to learn.
It’s true. This journey can only be successful if we take on it alone. As a whole, not as a half. As one person, you have everything to give. You move forward, instead of looking back. Offer, instead of request.
No reservations. To each, its own. I could see the difference, the hesitations of those that had someone waiting for them. They held back, because they had a commitment.
I’d say it’s give and take. If I never moved into this new being, I would never have discovered the magic in each and every one of you. The distinctive beauty I can define with just a word, I see it in all of your eyes.
I can feel the pain that you cover. You’re strong and I know you’ll get better. If this did not happen to us, I would not have gained a friend in you. Perhaps you’d rather have your past. But I’d say, I’m glad to have you here. We have to let go of things to see the light in brighter horizons. It’ll take us forever, I know. I’ve seen that you’re different. You’ve changed. The only thing I can say? You’re more beautiful now than you were before. And I wish I could fix your broken wings.
It’s developing naturally, this bond I share with you. I’m touched by the motherly care you shower upon me, even if I’m just two aisles away picking up a bottle of salsa. There’s this emptiness in you too that I sense. Since I know you’re still searching for someone to fill that space. You hide it well. Perhaps you’re not so bad on your own. I can empathise when you say that you easily fall in love with all. What is there not to love about people? Everyone is special, if we’re open to the possibilities. I feel safe in your friendship. Your beauty is the strongest of the lot. It overwhelms me sometimes when I watch you from across the table. I can imagine what we’ll be up to in 20 years time.
It’s like time never left. But I think it’s hitting us once again, now that we don’t know when you’ll be back. I miss you, because I never really got to say goodbye. I don’t know if I’m right, but it seems that you might be worried about something. I admire you for the courage to cross over, to give it up for him. I used to be like you. But I’m afraid now. Sometimes, I know envy seeps up on me. So don’t worry my little one. You’ve got it all going for you. And I’m glad he sees the beauty you have to share. Will we see you again soon?
Where are we? My dearest, you’re everyone’s favourite. I thank you for dragging me into a land of fun. Dunking my head into the pool of merry, even when I didn’t know yet that I’d need it this much. Four years ago, you showed me you were ready to have me in the circle. Fast forward four years later, yes it took me this long to take your hand. I hope this turned out better than what you expected. I had a blast. Definitely this is more fun than hitting the deafening dance floor. I wish that I could bless you with the angel wings you deserve. Don’t be afraid, take it one step at a time. A little older, a little wiser. We don’t want to lose you. So we’ll be going cycling again soon.
I’d like to start mending broken wings. But I can’t do that if I haven’t fixed my own yet. I’m still gathering the materials. The basket has arrived, I just need to fill it with the correct ingredients. My wings are going to be better than ever. I have an idea of how it should be.
It’s hard, if we want humans to be consistent.
We never stay the same, because we have a mind.
When we think, we change our minds.
We are not like the alarm clock, set at 7.10am to ring everyday. Even the battery will run out eventually.
I can’t expect this to be forever.
What we had, I couldn’t have expected it to be forever.
Nothing is of permanence. Only my name remains. What trails I leave behind it, they’ll define me for who I am.
Yes, I am confused. My mind is still trying to reconcile with my heart. They’ve been taking things slow, afraid that the painstaking process will be disrupted.
You’ll accept it, if it was asked?
I used to think that if I didn’t have an answer right away, it means no.
Now?
Because I don’t have a peep hole, I’ll never know who’s at the door unless I open it.
I love this song. And this phrase.
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not, the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came
At the start of the week and I’m busy filling up my time living on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
It seems that I will be watching the big o Donut on DVD instead.
But I’m reminded of The Last Kiss. A poignant story non too special, but appealed to me somehow. For once, I could identify with what he was feeling. I don’t know if I really do, but I know it happens. This happens all around us. It’s more a guy thing than not.
It’s indescribable, but I know of its presence. I’ve seen through the other side of his eyes. It could be panic, like he said. It could be boredom. It could be “no more surprises”. Excuses I suppose. Excuses to go crazy and just do it.
Yes he said he loved her. And he does, I’m sure.
Every bloke in this world will say that they love someone.
But what you feel only matters to you.
It’s what you do to the people you love. That’s what matters.
That’s the only thing that counts.
Many a time, we forget. We say things we think we mean, but we don’t carry them out in actions. The world moves too fast for us to realise that we’re contradicting our own words.
It’s only love that can break a human being and turn him inside out.
What do I have to do?
Just do whatever it takes. You can’t fail if you never give up.
Lo and behold, I am suddenly whisked off into this journey of don’t have a cow man. Fall out. Bleeding gums. Excellent.
What you’re doing for me, I believe in it being something good. A friendship that I treasure, because it’s been difficult. You’ve made it easy. You’ve given me a reason to sleep with a smile.
It’s like, there are no surprises in my life anymore.
Making it seem like I have to do the chase to find it. That if I stand still, I will stay put and things won’t come my way. Placing so much importance in actively pursuing my life. But is this living life to the fullest?
I stop to ask questions because scepticism is my middle name. I even cross one way streets looking both ways. It’s like a pit stop really. To freshen me up.
Man, this song is good!
I’ve had enough of this parade.
I’m thinking of the words to say.
We open up unfinished parts,
Broken up, it’s only love.
And when I see you then I know it will be next to me
And when I need you then I know you will be there with me
I’ll never leave you…
Just need to get closer, closer,
Lean on me now,
Lean on me now,
closer, closer,
Lean on me now,
Lean on me now.
Keep waking up (waking up), without you here (without you here).
Another day (another day), another year (another year).
I seek the truth (seek the truth), we set apart (we set apart)
Second glance, a second chance.
And when I see you then I know it will be next to me
And when I need you then I know you will be there with me
I’ll never leave you…
It’s not wrong to lean, when you feel like falling. That’s what pillars are for. Although some may break in time.
Those few moments I have to myself, sometimes I remember what I choose to forget.
I don’t know if it’s envy. I always wonder, what does a girl have to do to get a man to want to marry her? Do I even possess that quality?
I was told once: They’re the kind of girls that guys like. But you, you’re the kind that guys will love.
Perhaps the guys are just not looking for love then.
You used to be shy. But now, it seems that you’ve changed.
Breathing, somehow.
After a long break, I’m back!
And I would like to share this story with you.
A girl had a problem and went to her mom. She was tired of fighting and wanted to give up; there were just too many things that kept popping in and out of her life. And so in helping her daughter to better cope with the situation, the mom brought her into the kitchen.
She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed Oolong tea. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the Oolong out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”
“Carrots, eggs, and Oolong tea,” she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the Oolong. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The Oolong tea was unique, however. After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water colour and taste.
“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or the Oolong tea?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial
hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the Oolong tea? The tea actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the tea, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
It is never easy, leaving behind a past that you had wanted to bring into the future. Sometimes, we have no choice but to do so. Because we always know what’s best for us, eventually.
I don’t want to know a lot of things. Innocence is bliss and I believe.
Today, is the 13th day for the rest of my life.
This feeling reminds me of the movies, when a character dives into the silence of a swimming pool. The world may be noisy; it won’t stop turning. But beneath the waters, time stands still in silence. There is nothing undiscovered at the bottom, just pure water to keep you awake and kicking till you run out of breath. This is another reason why I love the water. It does not discriminate. It gives chances to those willing to take it. It makes me feel welcomed, even if sometimes it tricks me into enveloping myself with the cold, hard truth.
The world is at ease when we let our troubles rest.
With time, I have come to realise a reason for many things.
I was never the carrot. More like the hard-boiled egg now if you asked me. But in time, I know I will be Oolong as Oolong can be.
Tea is good.
