You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May, 2007.
You know what it feels like when you wake up thinking that you have the day to yourself, and then someone walks right in and messes everything up for you?
Well that’s gotten me downright pissed.
But I don’t really have a choice.
And then I started getting mad about everything else in my life. Eventhough you know, I was okay about it yesterday.
I got madder and madder and just felt like letting the world know what’s on my mind.
And I almost did.
But nah. Why waste time on someone that won’t listen anyway?
Plus all the mosquito attacks have gotten me angry.
I try so hard
Can’t seem to get away from misery
Man I try so hard
Will always be a victim of these streets
It aint my fault cuz I…
Tried to get away but trouble follows me
And still I try so hard
Hoping one day they’ll come and rescue me
But until then
I’ll be posted up right here in sleet hail snow and
Until then…
But hey. All will be clear again. Time heals everything. Indeed it does.
It can even take this pain away. Learning to live like this, is not so bad after all. At least, it’s far more exciting. Doesn’t seem as mundane as it used to. The possibilities are endless.
With my gals, there’s no fear that we’ll run out of things to say. That’s something that still puzzles me. How come we never stop talking with our friends, but when it comes to you and me, we have these awkward silences?
What do I want out of life? I don’t know yet.
Right now, it’ll all about living through the moment.
I really don’t know where this will bring me. I just know that it’s keeping me happy. And I heard that staying happy is good post-surgery.
With my heart broken into a million pieces many, many times, I never want to walk down that lane again.
So please remind me not to fall into that trap.
Although right now, I’ve lost feelings for just about anything that comes close to being a relationship.
It’s like, all I care about is me now.
I hope this has not made me selfish.
I’m sure I’ve gotten some people worried. I don’t understand this myself. But it’s not breaking my heart or keeping me up at nights on end. And so I think it’s a good thing for me. Especially now.
I will never change who I am. I will always be naive.
But if being naive can help me stay sane, I’ll take it anytime.
Why did you let your puppy go?
Oh she’s alright. She’ll come back when she’s hungry.
Aren’t you worried that someone will kidnap her or something?
Nah. She’ll take care of herself.
Hmm. What if she finds food elsewhere?
Oh she can eat all she wants. Good on her if she tries some new things.
But that would make her not want to come back anymore.
Don’t be silly. This is HOME. She’ll miss it soon enough.
Somebody might just treat her better out there.
Well I know her quite well. Just need to pour on my charm and she’ll run right back.
What makes you so sure?
Because I’m her master. And she loves me.
She’ll find someone else to love.
Yeah, in time she probably will. But familiarity breeds nostalgia. I mean, why move to another house when you already have one here? She can come and go as she pleases.
I don’t understand this. YOU’RE the one that’s opening the gates for her. Pushing her even, to stay out all day. And you’re saying that she can come and go as she pleases?
Well yeah! That’s what I’m letting her do. And she’s doing fine with it!
I can’t believe I’m listening to this. Man, this is not LOVE! You can’t dictate someone else’s life as you please! Even if you think she’s not as good as you!
I can’t just brush away our history together like that. I have my own life to get on with too you know. We’ve been together for so long. It’s the right time to take a break.
You do know that this will make you both grow farther apart. You don’t even talk to her on a daily basis now!
If I did, nothing would have changed. This is a break for God’s sake. A change!
You’re messing with her life. She doesn’t know when to come, or go. She is afraid to expect anything from you. And I’m sure she’s beginning to realise that you’re just like all the wannabe masters out there who crave for control, but never wanting the responsibility that comes with it.
There’s too much going on in my life right now. I just don’t have the time for this.
Uh-huh. I guess the worst thing is that you’re not willing to MAKE time for her. This is no longer love dude.
But I still miss her. And I care for her.
But you’re never there for her.
I will be, if she needs me.
How will you know? You just check up on her whenever you feel like it. And expect her to tell you everything at one go. And not even face to face!
If she prefers to keep it inside, I will respect her decision.
Hell, nobody wants to keep their troubles to themselves. They’re just praying, praying that someone will understand what their feelings are without having to be asked. I mean, where’s the sensitivity? You used to have it.
I’m not a mind reader you know.
Who is? You just want everything easy. Thrown onto your lap before you take any action. You need someone to tell you that they’re sad before you know it? Man, that’s sad.
Well she’s just got to get over this. We’ve talked it over before. She knows what kind of person I am.
But you’re confusing her, aren’t you? You’re turning on the hot and cold charm when, and as you feel like it. And still you’re blaming her for not feeling like talking to you sometimes.
Well if she doesn’t feel like talking to me, she can just tell me to stop.
Ah, there you go again. Sometimes, I even wonder if you’ve ever been in a relationship before. How come you don’t know anything??
I know that I should give her space when she needs it.
She’s the one who’s giving you space! And you’re taking advantage of it! You think that one phone call can erase all the misses. That it’s enough as a form of catching up. Well if that’s enough for you, then maybe you should start practicing that with all your friends. Why bother to meet up with them anyway? A phone call is as good as anything.
That’s my social life alright? I’ve worked really hard on it. And I’ve got it where I want it to be.
Which makes it okay for you to be selfish? The contacts that you’re worked SO hard to get. Nah, nobody must screw it up for you. They’re yours and you don’t wish to share. Which makes it a little ironic don’t you think? Being an active social-encourager, encouraging people to make friends with everyone and anyone in town and yet, it’s all only one-sided. You just want to go out and make friends? You’re that open really? Well you’re a hypocrite.
It’s just not the time yet to share.
Yeah, listen to the control freak talking. Everyone must abide by his rules. After all, he created this LIFE for himself. This NEW life, that can only work when he’s finished eliminating all of his OLD baggage. Completely, entirely new set of friends. New interests. New car. New wardrobe. New accent. New vocabulary. Man, it’s like being reborn isn’t it?
This is what I should have felt years ago. I didn’t have that then. And now I’m reliving it. It’s what I missed out on.
Oh well. Balance was never a favoured word in your mind. Only EXTREME. I guess, in taking up on your new life, you have decided to sacrifice all the unnecessary rest that have stuck with you all through these years. Through better or worse. You’re giving them up, just because you can’t take them with you.
They’re better off without me. They deserve better.
The selfish one talking again. Those words that you said, you’ve just managed to brush off those people that were once most important to you. You’re washing your hands clean. You don’t want anything to do with them anymore. Because they don’t just FIT in with your life now. Tsk tsk.
I just want to live my life to the fullest.
Yeah, I guess by being greedy, you can do just that. Now I see why she no longer wants to come back. Even if it means staying away at a place that she’s unsure of. She had everything going for her. Until you took it away. Because you didn’t have the courage to make ends meet. Because you’re a coward, disguised in the skin of the ever-popular life of the party guy that all your friends know you to be. The one that can dance. Yeah. Joke. Yeah. Perform magic. Yeah. The one that can make everyone laugh, but is not willing to really spend time on those that need him. What even goes on in your mind man? Weren’t you ever taught etiquette? Or courtesy?
I just want to live my life. And I’ll be alone for the rest of it.
At the rate you’re going at, I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re gonna get. When everyone’s gone home to be with their loved ones, you will have no one because you’d rather play than get things done. And you said that your parents loved her? Well, they must love you even more because they’ve not said a damn thing about how you’ve been treating her. And if I didn’t know you better, I wouldn’t even talk to you anymore. Getting tired of your ways dude. Life is not to be taken advantage of like this. And Karma, think about Karma.
I am OBSESSED.
It has managed to infiltrate my brains. (however tiny it has become)
I can’t define fantasy from reality.
Can it really be mutual?
Far-fetched?
Absolutely.
What if?
Why not?
The only bright light I see so far.
Man, I’m really going crazy.
Gotta get these stitches out soon.
Maybe the chance is already lost!
But I’ll get it, if I want it.
Man!
Oh geez, this is making a bigger seal.
I can’t get it out of my head! (I’m going to throw up)
Still a girl at heart.
So what if I’m giggly. Goofy. Gummie and gooey.
If crazy is what you’re calling me, I’d be crazy anytime!
HELP!
I am officially B.O.R.E.D.
I refuse to watch movies on tv because the living room ain’t putting me in the mood no more.
I refuse to work on anything yet, because tomorrow, I can do it tomorrow.
When the world is at its break-neck speed pace, mine is running to a slow crawl.
I need to get out of the house soon.
I hope sunlight will not make me faint. Heh.
And if I can’t get my feet in heels, the sneakers will have to do.
Strawberry milk. Jell-o. Candy floss. Chocolate. Vitagen.
I just want to get out!
If exercise is good, why not?
I must say I enjoyed it a fair bit. Although I heard snickerings of stupid show! while someone left within 15 minutes of it.
It was all about style. Being an mtv director, first-timer Susie Au has got what it takes to inject life into otherwise pointless characters of a pointless plot. As I mentioned before, Hong Kong prides itself in wallowing in the possibility of dopplegangers and identical twins for everyone and everything. It comes as no surprise then, that the characters show no surprise that such an impossibility has happened within such close proximity.
I was particularly interested in the conversations Nana had in her search for the Harbin-crazed D.
Don’t you care whether he loves you or not?
What is love?
He makes me feel loved.
And that’s all that matters.
I suggest that you don’t be so greedy.
He doesn’t belong to anybody.
Not even to himself.
See how happy I am?
I just wait for him to come to me.
See where it’s leading to? Fun, fun and more fun talk between the girls.
I’ve known you for so long. And still I don’t know what’s on your mind.
How can anyone know someone by heart? No, no you can’t. You think you know singers when you read their lyrics. But that’s just their work.
You think actors live a lie because of all the emotional baggage they have to lug around after every movie. But you don’t even know their real names.
If you love him, then it’s really okay to let him lie to you.
Is it?
You may like to be lied to, but I don’t.
Uh huh.
I’ve never had this part of me take control before.
Crying, without really knowing what I was crying for.
Watching my helpless self reach out for help from the helpful.
Aching when I laugh. Coughing when I do.
And I’ve never, never, never ever lost 4 hours of my life before.
The hospital nights weren’t so bad after all. Because I slept through most of it.
The most basic human functions I took for granted, took its toll on me.
It was fear. Shock. Disbelief.
But I survived through it all.
I hope this has changed me into a better person. Giving me a new path in life.
I want to be able to walk normal again. So I won’t waste whatever holiday that I have left.
I’m thankful for all my friends and family who showered kindness, care and love on me eventhough I didn’t look the part of a sickly patient. Okay, maybe I did.
I realised I love taking showers. And that showers made me feel pretty. Gosh.
I didn’t really crave for any particular food. Just something hot. To take the pain away.
And it was great that you visited everyday. It made me feel special.
And special, I am now.
The bookstore became my library. As I snatched For One More Day off the shelf, I didn’t know that this could be a future for me. Doing things on my own. In my own time. To wear a dress for no particular reason at all.
Learning to be lonely.
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Learning to spend a little time with the person everyone knows like an open book.
Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
It’s alright. I sensed the peace only the other day. I am my own. And I am happy. Until she started questioning my past. And confused me about the future.
Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You’ve always known your heart was on its own
But hey, this is my life.
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
She is the vocal version of me. And I refuse to let her infiltrate my decisions. After all, I am no longer sulking, moping or turning on the water works at full blast.
They are all mine. My own. Mine. Giving you an inch does not mean that I will give you that yard you want too.
There is nothing you can do with the information you get anyway.
So deal with it.
And I will deal with mine.
Till I see everyone again, here I come to save the day.
Impatience. That’s what’s making me cranky. On my last day of work, can you imagine? I never thought I’d feel this way today.
I am neither here, nor there.
And today, today I’m starting to feel the anxiety.
I’m plummeting thousands of miles above sea level.
I’m still floating.
But you know, eventually I’ll hit the hard ground.
OMG I saw him on TV! And he looks as excited as I am!
He’s a doll! Okay maybe not, but in my eyes he is!
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you
Thank you.
I’m obsessed with this song.
Help!
Help help help help help help help.
Stop Elliot please stop him!
