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Sometimes, I wished I had never met you. I might have turned out differently.
When life throws a few curve balls at me, racing at full speed, how do I choose which one to save? Perhaps I think it’s alright to just duck and shrug and say that I wouldn’t have been able to do anything useful anyway?
Watch it fly past me. Knowing that I will forget, because it is the past.
I’ve been here before. What it feels like to look at the clock, not knowing if what the fox said was really true. That there is only hope, and happiness, and anticipation, if you knew what was coming at you.
And right this very minute, I do not know. Like I’ve dedicated my life to not knowing, because knowing something is being nosy.
What could I have done to have made it all better? Swallow my pride and forever rest in peace?
Sometimes I really wonder, if it’s really that bad to tell the truth. What good will it do to keep quiet, when I can’t even look you in the eye.
FYI, I understand now why alcohol soothes the soul. Why so many people turn to it, when their life is anything but perfect. And it was timely, that I had my own swig of Vodka. It tasted real good. Real good.
Man. It’s only 10.30 now. I might have to wait whole night, for that time to never come.
I don’t want to return. Anywhere, but to let them see me cry. To recognise defeat, once again.
And the worst thing is, I can’t possibly explain why.
That I’m going at it again and again and again. Guess I thought that fate would lead me somewhere. Anywhere, but here.
Maybe, it’s really not meant to be. That it has never been up to me before.
For the tears that I shed, a thousand more will follow. Because I am searching, but I have not found.
There is a legend of a man under the sea.
He is a fisher of men.
A last hope for all those who’ve been left behind.
He is The Guardian.
And how I wished I had mine now.
Monday Morning. I’m not home. I’m not at work. But I’m online.
I’m not sick (not MC this time then). My company is not on holiday (nothing’s free). Heh. But I am.
It’s not always that we get such a long stretch of holidays at one go. And the past 2 days just went by in a whiz. Although I managed to dream about Apocalypto. Drooled at Ashton in The Guardian. Finally caught a glimpse of Jerry McGuire. And bits of Gray’s Anatomy here and there.
Girl, you’ve got to catch up on your general knowledge.
Right. Scoring points in Geography (because you took the subject and I did not) does not make you an authority on the subject. That’s Geographical. Not general per se.
If you would’ve read the newspaper with as much interest (in real-time facts) as I do from time to time, you’d have no problem at all identifying the Leader of North Korea.
Or the capital of India. Egypt. Myanmar.
Although I admit that I haven’t been catching up. Man I had to have a 16 year-old tell me that the blue sand I saw on the beach at night?
Well, they’re planktons.
And to think that I read Dan Brown’s Deception Point for nothing.
If anyone can give me a different answer for the Seven Wonders of the World, I’d really salute them. Only after research did I find out that there are different definitions for the Seven Wonders. And so it depends which ones of the seven are you talking about.
For the benefit of myself (in case I need to memorise them for some God-forbid reason), I have decided to list them here.
If you’re talking about the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World:
- The Great Pyramid of Giza – Cairo, Egypt.
- The Hanging Gardens of Babylon – Baghdad, Iraq.
- The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus – Selchuk, Turkey.
- The Statue of Zeus at Olympia – Athens, Greece.
- The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus – Bodrum, Turkey.
- The Colossus of Rhodes – Rhodes, Greece.
- The Lighthouse of Alexandria -Alexandria, Egypt.
If you’re talking about the Seven Wonders of the Medieval Mind:
- The Stonehenge – Wiltshire, United Kingdom.
- The Colosseum - Rome, Italy.
- The Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa – Alexandria, Egypt.
- The Great Wall of China – Beijing, China.
- The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing – Nanjing, China.
- The Hagia Sophia – Istanbul, Turkey.
- The Leaning Tower of Pisa – Pisa, Italy.
If you’re talking about the Seven Natural Wonders:
- Mount Everest – Nepal & Tibet
- The Great Barrier Reef – Australia
- Grand Canyon – Arizona
- Victoria Falls – Zimbabwe
- The Harbour of Rio de Janeiro – Brazil
- Paricutin Volcano – Mexico
- Northern Lights - High northerly latitudes
Imagine my surprise when I didn’t read about the Taj Mahal, or Angkor Wat as one of the immediate claims of the title.
Well, so much for my holiday.
Oh my God! I had to download a whole new browser to be able to use the special word formatting features here. Sheesh.
But it’s working! Click here and see
Wee!
Betcha haven’t heard
Where did my baby go? * John Legend
The Rain Song * The Dreamer and The Sleeper
I hope this effort has not been wasted (and that someone will hopefully download these songs and keep them in their iTunes Library).
Thanks Pey for the wonderful site!
Three cheers to Camino!
Standing at the doorway, I could see the steam rising from the pot.
Everybody’s eaten, she said.
Knowing that we were famished, she hurriedly passed us plastic bowls and spoons.
Go on. Dig in, she said. There’s more in the kitchen.
And she treated us like old friends.
If that is how friendships begin, I’d love to do it all over again. There’s nothing like meeting new people. Who are all ready to welcome you into their circle of trust. Like it doesn’t matter whether you’re from advertising or insurance or the works. Since everybody was just there for one reason. The one reason, 30 years ago, that brought us all together for one special night.
The mahjong table was out. I even had myself a few rounds of the Big 2. With my mouth full of gummy candy from the land of the rising sun, it felt like she really bought those sweets for me. Although I know I’ve been taking them from the baby of the party, a shy 7 year-old who acted more grown up than the oldest of the night.
We laughed when we couldn’t find the answers to ridiculous riddles. We all pooled our resources to help solve the supposedly most logical one. They wielded their pens. We had our papers ready. For one Saturday night, we had Superman, King Kong, Hello Kitty and Doraemon all in one room. And even the boy called Ming, who desperately had to throw a butter out the window (because he wanted to see a ButterFly) *we’ve already bashed the person that come up with this, so all’s well*.
There were no awkward silences. No lascivious grins or stares. It didn’t matter that I was way younger. Because all of them, still had youth written over their glistening foreheads (presumably sweat – an effect from having Tom Yum steamboat with 20 people in one room).
I enjoyed crunching into the delightful ’salad’ – one that I had never tasted before. Who’d have thought longan, corn, cucumber, raisin and mayo could taste like heaven? It may sound yucky, but I assure you, it’s a big tad better than that.
The drunkards didn’t make us drink. And they didn’t act too drunk. She seemed very happy to have all of us with her, even for just a couple of hours. It didn’t matter that she was going to fly off in 2 days. After having just arrived 2 days before.
And the very next day she sent us all the pictures. Talk about being fast and snappy!
It didn’t matter that it was embarassing the way she called me ‘Beauty’. In fact, that made it all the funnier. That made them laugh. And what’s a nickname, if it’s not supposed to make someone laugh.
Right up until now, she had been apologising. For ‘leaving us alone’ to mingle at her party.
Maybe she forgot that her birthday was in an apartment.
That you could’t walk into a corner without bumping into someone.
That you couldn’t laugh, if it wasn’t someone’s joke that you were listening to.
That you would leave hungry, if there weren’t so many of them asking you to eat eat, please eat.
Maybe she forgot she was the one who invited us in the first place.
To come with just two handfuls of bananas.
To share in on one special happy moment.
And so Karen-san, do stop saying “Gomenasai”.
With hot chocolate in my veins (okay, maybe it’s just the Malaysian version of Milo), I feel like I could drift away if I were just to put my head down for a little.
Why do people work on Tuesdays anyway? Bothersome, really. All I wanna do is crawl back into bed and not talk to anyone in sight.
Guess it’s nagging me that I still haven’t gotten the time to finish up on some new assignments that I have to get done before the week is up.
Just don’t feel like socialising this week.
Or spending money, heh.
I blew my savings for the 100th time this weekend. Buy one FREE one. Two for less than 20. 40%. All these know that I can never resist them. People shop to get some things that they’ve always wanted before the discount. I, on the other hand, find as many excuses to get myself a whole new wardrobe.
Although it’s only auspicious to start anew with all things new (another excuse, I know). I figured I needed to wear something a little more grown up, since I’m leaving Neverland. No longer someone to hold my hand.
Just me, and my new pointy shoes.
Counting down is the only natural routine that I do from Mondays to Fridays.
“How about putting effort in your work?”
Hmm. Maybe later. For people that appreciates it a little more.
“Games. Many games online. P L A Y.”
No way! I’ll never be caught dead pushing it at work. After all, my computer screen is the first thing that EVERYONE notices. Even when half my full moon-sized cranium is blocking the view.
“Apply for leave?”
Done that. Since a must-not-miss long weekend is coming up.
“Chat. At random.”
Uh huh. Like I think everyone doesn’t have to work too. Come on!
Dying to get away
Let the pain of yesterday
Go slipping through the cracks
Keep my head above water
Help me swim for my life
Coz’ the game is getting harder
The strain is getting stronger
And i can only face the fight
Sometimes I entertain myself with my musical earphones. But then, the blast tires out my drums quite quickly. Can brandless gadgets give me a headache? Sheesh.
I can’t imagine that I’ve worked for one year like this. Not knowing what time I can go home tomorrow. Waiting for work, that may very well come in a week. All at once. Worrying that the job might be too big. Although I prefer shorter deadlines for those, so that we can get it over and done with.
Sometimes I wonder, if I really hate working that much, then maybe it’s not because I miss the life of an 18 year-old. It must be that I’m in the wrong line. Wrong scope of work? More like wrong responsibilities. Guess you can feel it, if something’s really for you in the long run. Otherwise, you should just take a hike. If something takes that long of getting used to, then it’s not really for you anyway. Right?
Although work is, you know, not suppose to be fun. In the first place, that’s why it’s called work. Just that small part of me, that wishes there were something more. Than not knowing what to do for 90% of my 8-hour-and-more working weekdays.
Being busy is one thing. Busy worrying, is a ball in another park. The worry-wart in me is in hyperdrive. And it’s annoying the hell out of me (and possibly anyone within the vicinity of one screwball with long hair like me).
The past 2 days have not really been a nightmare for me (although some might think so). Guilt has been settling in, but only because I’m so used to having responsibility in my veins, even when others do not know the word.
“What are you trying to prove?”
Not much. Just that I’m too shy to directly ask for some TLC. So I beat around the bush questioning if fever is on my mind.
Yeah the MC is secondary. I just needed to grasp onto something. Like a proof of purchase. A small piece of paper with few words on it. But enough to explain a lot.
It feels liberating to hear words of comfort. “It’s ok, we’ll take care of it. Take a rest.” Like she said, everyone needs a break once in a while. It can come in many forms. For which, mine came under the disguise of an overactive nose.
A part of me has already left the valley. I no longer yearn to share my effort. To pitch in on responsibility. They can go right on without me. I’m just a writer, and a copying one at that. I don’t see ’super’ on my title anywhere. Nor does anyone else. If I can’t expect them to show empathy, neither should they expect it from me. Right? Oh well.
Think about this: If you can’t even say YES to something you want, how can you expect to say No to something you don’t? If pride is so damn important for the moment, perhaps it will echo for eternity to come. When you don’t have the guts to say that you prefer the more expensive Cheesecake over the simple curry puff. Then never having the chance to say that you’re so over-swamped that meeting the deadline would make impossible something.
Sigh. The wonders of irony.
Okay. The trip was a blast. And now I don’t even feel like I’m at work. In fact, it still feels like I’m on the rocky boat.
Now I know where a speedboat got its name from.
The thuds and the crashes. The waves and the splashes. And I’m thankful that I didn’t double over with sea sickness. It really surprised me that I rode and snorkelled, balanced and bounced, snorkelled and swam and still came back in one healthy piece. Heh.
I didn’t know that the speedboat could be that much fun. The only thing I was worrying about was throwing up. Instead, it was like this 30-minute roller coaster ride, without 90-degree plunges. It got cold, it got hot, and the wind tried to get me bald. Everyone got wet in our best beach holiday suits even before we hit the water. And yet we laughed and screamed and yelled and joked.
After each painful butt-thud experience, we would automatically look at the culprit – the boat driver – only to have him staring ahead without any notice of our nervous giggles and guffaws. It made me wonder some more, if they enjoyed what they did. Water everyday? Snorkelling? How would it feel to brave the seas 8 hours a day? To meet inexperienced swimmers who couldn’t keep their mask on for more than a few minutes at a time. And watching strangers have so much fun with icy spring water, like we’ve never bathed without the heater on before.
The best thing was that we came in one big bunch. More people = more laughter = more fun = more value for money because of more jokes around the table. It didn’t matter that some of us couldn’t swim. What mattered was that we were willing to wait and share. At least, for a little while. Heh.
It was a first for me. Swimming after turtles and Nemo in the wavering Anemones (of where the celebrity clown fish got its name from). Cowering from seaweed-green Murray eels and one gigantic goliath Grouper. Even snorkelling in the wide open sea. It felt like I could float and watch the mysteries of underwater, without every being in close contact with the third kind. It also made me wonder, how the sea creatures could live with so much silence below.
I also realised that I have a fear of silence. I felt comforted when she snored, because it made living in a strange place bearable. Like the hum of my Mac, as we worked pass 3 am in a place rumoured with typical haunted anecdotes. The quietest place on earth for me was in Mt Buller 3 years ago, and that freaked me out a little. Perhaps I’m just used to sleeping with the city lights on, and hearing pillion riders zooming past the flyover.
I wanted to eat so much more during breakfast and lunch, but was afraid that my indigestion would cause me to throw up over board. And so I stopped myself, feeling reassured that snorkelling does not happen at night. But when dinner came, I could only eat so much. And we found out the hard way, that grilled squid and fish made a buffet more bbq than usual.
We even had a playboy-styled balloon party. Which must’ve cracked some of our butts after the endless attempts at suffocating the floaty baubles. The neighbours must’ve thought we had 10 million bottles of champagne, of which we had decided to uncork one after another. Who would’ve thought that a bunch of 23-26 year olds would have so much fun with a game last seen 15 years ago and more.
I love the water so much that I always wished that I had a pool in my backyard. Although I love it and would maximise my time in it whenever I get within close proximity to some, I also harbour a fear of what lies beneath. I’m curious in getting upclose and personal with squids and an octopus, but I’m also most frightened of these squiggly creatures. Perhaps I’m afraid that I’m treading on dangerous waters, a place that does not belong to land humanoids like us. That they’ll eventually realise they have the power over intruders, and sting us till we jump over board screaming in pain and poison. I am fascinated swimming among the fish, but I’m also worried that they might snuggle up too close. Heh.
Running my fingers through the fine granules of sand, I surrendered my mind to the ocean waves.
It felt good to be alone for the moment.
In a way, it was my first time going on a holiday with my bunch of friends.
A kind of independence that I needed from time to time.
To act all grown up for once.
To hold on to the bars of the boat if I wanted to. To let go, if I felt like it.
To snorkel faraway for longer.
To eat less, without feeling like food was the last thing I’d ever want to see after every meal.
To fall in the water with no one to catch me.
The only person that could say no to me, was me.
Something different, I suppose.
362 days on land. Just 3 short days on the island.
Never enough.
Have you ever been inspired to do a better job, feeling like things could change for the better if only you had that one thing that was missing from your life?
Lately, lots of changes have begun their course. I’ve done what I’ve always wanted to do. To move on and leave them be. But I still have over a month to go.
And yes! The beach holiday is finally going to happen in less than 24 hours to go. The only thing ironic about it is that I haven’t slept for 24 hours, up till now. Work’s been crazy, but only because the direction is what you would call ‘koyak’.
Like I always whine and ding a ling about, you can make me stay all night writing and writing. But don’t make me stay thinking of ideas. My right brain is far lazier than my logical left. And I prefer to leave it as that.
In time to come, I hope I can be a bit more independent, in terms of being an adult in the working world. To make decisions and know that they’re in the right track. Never unsure, because it’s only logic, after all. Creativity has its limits, but in a good way. In other words, it’s like creativity with progress. Creativity with reference. Creativity with a good chance that I’ll enjoy.
Although I wonder what will truly be in stall for me. I have absolutely no idea of what she expects of me. But then again, who’ll ever know? I keep changing everyday anyway. No sense in worrying about something that might not be.
It’s been 2 years since I termed myself ‘The Copywriter’. I’ve learnt to become okay at what I do. My speed has improved tremendously that now I can finish writing for one big campaign in less than 5 hours covering a couple of options for print, radio and btl items (performing under pressure?). Whether they are anything of substance? You tell me in the morning.
This life, this life that I’m giving up. They say I’ll come back. I haven’t even left, but I’ve said goodbye. So do you think I will?
Life’s tough. I can’t see ahead yet. My glasses are a bit too huge for my frame. They make my eyes tired because I keep looking at where I shouldn’t be looking. The present. The present is where I should be finding the answers.
And right now I’ve got that urge again to get me a photographing machine. To capture what they can’t see. To give colour to my life, which has turned sepia. To make me, you know, interested in a hobby again.
When tears forget to form
Because they never came
A smile forms somewhere inside
A triumph, a victory of 23
Waterless the morning wakes
Breathless with no toothpaste
A grinning meant for 2pm
Will be kept till then
Which reminds me.
I think about how it might have been
We’d spend our days travelin’
It’s not that I don’t understand you
It’s not that I don’t want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me
So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I’ve got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I’m up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’ll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I’ll track you on the radio
And I’ll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It’s not the same
So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
So, steal the show
And do your best to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find whatever you’re looking for
The way I might’ve changed my mind
But you only showed me the door
So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
Reason Why.Rachael Y*
