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It occurred to me that I had never been a fan.
At least, not what you would describe a fan as.
Sure, I liked Hongkie actors and replayed the soapie episodes a million times. I bought photoframes just because their magazine cut-out photos came with it. I dreamt of them, sure. But I didn’t ever have that urge (or courage) to want to see them ‘live’.
No concerts for me. No autographs. The only autograph I’ve ever gotten was because I bumped into Jeff Goldblum as I waltzed through Hollywood in the cinema. And even that was because my MOM was a fan.
It’s like my passion is missing the strength it needs. Perhaps, when I like something, I never really do much about it.
Passive, not a seeker.
If I have a dream, maybe I’m not one to chase. I have my arms wide open.
Waiting.
Let discovery befall me.
Let them find ME.
Being patient gives me an edge over reason. Staying quiet, when others have spoken.
But advantage is ubiquitous. Your dessert is my poison. Having more patience than others means that my boiling point will never allow me to get my way. I would hold back, when others have struck. Stay silent, until the world has ended.
Like my thoughts are precious jewels. Of which they are not, because a gem is only a gem when others say so. You are not a diamond because you are born one. Instead, you are a girl’s best friend because the distinguished have chosen to name you as one.
Watching Perfume, it got me thinking that it doesn’t matter even if you were an Angel sent from above. It doesn’t matter, if nobody knows. Even if you’re talented beyond reason, with nobody else like you in the whole wide world, it doesn’t matter if nobody knows about you. If you live behind that shadow, doing the things that you do, hoping that you’ll be discovered because of your unique ability, then you’re living in the wrong lane.
I know. First impressions are made on results. People might not care how you got there, just as long as you did.
But it doesn’t mean that your mistakes are hidden. That nobody would find out. That your talent would cover up for you. That it doesn’t matter what you do, just as long as you succeed in life.
So what if the world bows at your feet. If VIP has your name on it. If you get a room, when we only have a desk. All this would vanish without a trace, when they find that black spot on your paper. Because respect is the key. It comes with trust. As you might know, they are both not naturally instant in nature.
Even if you’ve created the greatest perfume in the world, where one drop sends millions to their knees, sometime someday they will awaken to realise that you’re nothing but a great big joke. When all you’ve done to get to where you are has been one great big waste of time. Realising that the cement you used to build that wall was nothing but sheer putty.
When you only wanted acceptance, you will turn up empty. Like rushing to drink the glass of vitamins, only to find it has been poured away. Uh huh.
I didn’t know I had a dream. Surreal, is what it is. When one day could change your life.
We walk all day. Sometimes we run. When others jog, we sit and stare. Knowing that we’ll get there. Somehow. One day.
I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on
I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need `em again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s gotta be something for my soul somewhere
I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end.
A Way Back Into Love.Hugh Grant & Haley Bennett*
I’m not talking about love-love in a relationship. I’m talking about loving the minute that I’m living. Breathing. Getting lost. Feeling helpless. Waiting, until hope drops by again.
There’s a shining light ahead for everybody. Sometimes they come searching for us. They know we deserve better. He knows.
If we don’t take that path, that one that looks mysterious but calm, we’ll never know what we’ve missed. We’ll live through eternity and feel like this is the best I can do.
If I never looked back, I’ll never know what hit me. Even walking on the wrong side of the road can make me roadkill. Changing lanes? Give me a signal. Or maybe I’d try the U-turn.
It’s time to get real. I am open to the awakening. I have been enlightened. And I have made my decision. Elation, is what I’m feeling.
Although I know nothing of what tomorrow brings.
The ideal is to just idle along, to not rush, imagine, or obsess.
It’s like continuously providing water and sunlight to a plant which you know nothing about; when it will sprout, or what kind of flower or fruit it will bear.
“Wait” might in a sense be a synonym for “pray.”
It is the stacking up of images little by little, one by one, to continue without rest to connect it to the next even though there’s no certainty, sustained only by a belief. Not to become passive by allowing awareness of the approach falter, but to always be active on a subconscious level, continuously expectant. ~ Masato Tanaka
Reality, is anyone’s game. You have a shot, I have one too.
Forbidden is just a word.
Everybody waits.
The cloud changes everyday.
Some may falter, some may slip.
But I’d climb back up in a bit.
This song is so haunting. So beautiful. It instantly reminded me of Hide & Seek by Imogen Heap (with it’s vocal key changes at the end of each word). I just had to put the lyrics here, although I had to replay it on iTunes a million times to get it right. Because they didn’t have the lyrics on Google, you can imagine that I made up most of the words below.
The Rain Song. The Dreamer & The Sleeper*
Panic attacks (straight sent me back)
All so predictable
Scream
If you need some help
From me
And if you do a bit
I’ll step right into it
And take right back
What you had lost
Mistake mistake
Would forever be gone
And I’ll ask where
My company just died
Coz’ she’s shy
It’s bound her hands
I’m skeptical
Tastes like the glove depends on drugs
Speckless stars have missed their fun
Like starving troops denied their guns
Take me back
And harbour my logic lead on countless cards
Ink tattoos and scars my heart
Mr Surgeon please do erase this
By means of surgery
Oh
Can’t give with me one night
Just set me free
Panic attacks (straight sent me back)
All so predictable
Scream
If you need some help
From me
And if you do a bit
I’ll step right into it
And take right back
What you had lost
Mistake mistake
Would forever be gone.
The coolest thing about this ‘band’, is that they recorded this song for their friends on demo! They have yet to produce their own album, and just spread their music through iLike, etc. I’m in love with the dreamer and the sleeper!
Okay. I’ll do this too. Even if it means that you won’t like me anymore.
5 things people wouldn’t expect to know about me:
1. I turn red and start sweating when I take too long to put the change into my wallet after I’ve paid for something. When everybody’s waiting for you to just move. When it doesn’t matter even if your wallet is too big to fit in your bag in one shove.
2. I stutter when I’m accused of something that I might have done, but not intentionally or with bad intentions. My face would also grow hot, which I’m sure would look red in your point of view.
3. I drink a lot of water, filling my 2-Litre bottle twice in a day between 9am-5pm. And then I go home to drink some more. I like my water warm and go through the pains to ensure that the water filter only expels the kind I like. I do this by turning off the electricity first, then fill a cup with hot water approximately 3 times and pour those into the sink, before I fill my tumbler with good ol’ warm water.
4. I like to read children’s books. Sometimes when I have a few extra minutes during lunch, I go to the bookstore and flip through Strawberry Shortcake books, because I find them comforting and pleasing to the eyes. I like the colours, the illustration, and I dream of becoming an author for children’s books one day. I even reread the kiddy books I have at home on the shelf, because they remind me what I used to get excited about.
5. Whenever I wear 3-inch heels and walk around shopping on my own, I always imagine myself tripping. I also have a hard time ensuring that I walk with a good posture, as many have told me that I have none. I liken my walk to that of a penguin, and am still amazed that I can manage to appeal to people.
I wish the list could go on, but rules are rules. If not, you’d know everything about me in the second it takes for you to read this blog. These are just samples to entice you to read further, in hopes that more will be revealed.
Just one word
My heart stops beating
Just one look
My life starts spinning
If only they were kind
Things wouldn’t have to change
It would not seem so strange
Looking past that window
I hide my sorrow
Don’t know what it’ll be tomorrow
In her hands she doesn’t own the clock
If she wants she can mock
After hours she’ll wait awhile
With her eyes she can smile
If only they were kind
Things wouldn’t have to change
So cold it makes it strange
My soul is expiring
A passion yet to begin is diminishing
And so it seems
I have failed to cross over
Leaving my life instead
To the lives of others
Even to someone who can’t be bothered
Although she cares
If only that made her kind
Things wouldn’t have to change
No more facing the strange
In my dreams I hear her voice
My mornings filled with dread
Maybe I’m better off instead
Finding my own way out
You know you’ve met a person
You’ll never forget
When she scares you so much
You won’t remember
What makes her kind
When things have to change
Breathing again feels so strange
Here I’m never really my own person
Creating so many reasons
When all I do is write
For you, for them
Never my own
Twenty four is old
But in this world I’m young
Got me thinking if I should fight
When it doesn’t feel right
I believe in magic coloured black
I know the breaking apple
The tears leading to a heart attack
Trapped for 60 days
With nowhere to run
I can’t find that thing called sun
It’s closing in
The cave like a monolith
What was she thinking
Was she even really
What of her children will be
Discovering their mother’s story
In my world
She doesn’t even have a first name
Something I’d do to stay sane
What comes around goes around
But hers was never found
Perhaps one day soon I’d say what I mean
Hurry, before I make her me.
I have returned! It’s been so long, I almost forgot how to use this blog. It’s Sunday. And I have spent the weekend working around my work. It was a good experience though. I got to do print and radio. Finally.
The whole week washed by in a wink, and yet it seemed like forever to the 3 of us. Seems like I’ve never tortured the stuff inside my head this badly before. In fact, I didn’t know I had stuff beneath my hair. Other than you know, that thing called scalp.
There was this point last week, even before we finished feeling fine about ourselves, that I suddenly missed my family. I know I see them everyday. But stress kept me from really seeing them. The point of working so hard? Nothing much, really. Just going with the flow. So fast, I can’t grasp. Nobody has time to reflect. Just react, as he used to quote.
Today though, things will come to a standstill. Life can go back to normal. At least for a few days or so. I’m praying that things will get better after this. Boy, whatamItalkingabout, of course things will get better! I’m going on a fun beach holiday soon with my leave yet to be approved and accommodation yet to be paid. I have some old bikinis but I don’t have the right body to fit it. Although that reminds me that I have to make the dummy bells my best friends for at least a few days before the boat speeds off.
One quick chop and the week’s already ending. No one has quite gotten the hang of work yet. But who dares to complain?
Not me, not I, not you.
There are many interesting observations around and yet I always return to the most baffling: why everyone goes silent once they step into the elevator. And why everyone starts talking when someone else does!
Why is silence shocking? Paradoxically, loud noises disturb our peace while silence is ‘deafening’ and uncomfortable. Imagine walking into a room full of people, having them stop dead in their conversations. Then get back to work. Guess it happens to everyone, heh.
What is silent laughter? Have I just invented a new phrase? Does it refer to the moments you wished you could laugh out loud, but couldn’t because you knew that you’d get a silent bitch-slap in return? Maybe.
As one can see, I kinda have nothing to do at work and yet, still have to hang around for moral support. Silent moral support, that is. Everyone furiously clicking away on their cordy mice. Trying to upkeep the Friday is a happy day syndrome.
If silence is golden, imagine someone saying I Love You to yours truly. And not getting an answer. No problem there, because silence is golden! Pfft. Perhaps they should call it “silence is golden if you don’t know what to say”.
The silence of the lambs is a good movie. But lambs bleat. Indeed the only way to silent someone, is complete elimination. Heh.
Shh is such a powerful word, for something with such a short spelling. But it will take more than just 3 letters to silent a world waged in war.
I think it was in Titanic, where the man said “Shut that hole in your face or I’ll do it for ya!”. Maybe he was referring to her flaring nostrils.
It’s funny, that the movies of the silent era have music in them. Silence, for god’s sake.
Silence can be so many things at once. Ubiquitous.
It is scary when it appears at the wrong time. But it can be funny too.
It is puzzling because its origins cannot be found.
It can be dominant in a room full of voices. It can also be unfortunate when it is overpowered.
It is weak in tone and manner. But there is also something called silent confidence.
Ladies and gentlemen, once again it’s Friday!
